My Y, Your X
by Darknight Squire
Summary: Warning Contains Spoilers for 'Neutopia.' Zapp Brannigan kills the Borax Kid before the PE crew and passengers can be returned to normal. The Professor searchs for a way to restore them, Leela puts Fry on birth control, LaBarbara gets Hermes pregant!
1. Chapter 1

Futurama and all related characters are the property of the great Matt Groening and 20th century Fox media. No money is being made of their use, Mr. Groening, so please don't sue me. You've got millions and I've got zilch.

_This story takes place during the gender-bending episode "Neutopia" in the second season of the new run of Futurama on Comedy Central, just after the photo-shoot and before the next day when the Borax Kid arrived to restore everyone to their original gender. So as far as the Planet Express crew knows, they're stuck with their genders reversed. While I liked this episode I was a little disappointed that Fry, Leela, and Bender took a backseat while Hermes and LaBarbara took center stage._

_Leela's boil Susan, who becomes 'Stewart' in this story, is seen in the fifth season episode 'Attack of the Killer App.' I like the idea that Susan is an outlet for Leela's more repressed and sometimes darker emotions which helps to explain 'Stewart's' crude and male chauvinist behavior._

Turanga Leela glanced up at the clock from the computer _he'd_ been sitting at. It was 4:30; he'd been posting advertisements for the _Girls of Planet Express Calendar _on the internet and putting the final touches on the calendar itself since a quarter till 2.

_My how times goes fast when you're busy. _Most of the women that used to be men posing for the calendar had to be doctored in some way. Oh, a man-bot or maybe a robosexual human might be turned on by the female version of Bender, and the fem Zoidberg might be attractive to her fellow Decapodians. But of the rest-Scruffy would look beautiful if only she'd shave her mustache but she refused-said it was all that was left of her old manhood and she wanted to keep it. The Professor was still old and withered- with boobs that sagged and flapped in the wind. Male LaBarbara didn't seem to have any trouble with Hermes's new body, but as far as Leela was concerned the only one of the former males that made an attractive woman was Fry.

"So, you done with the calendar?" Leela turned and saw Amy leaning against the doorway.

"Just about," Leela replied. "How'd your parents take the news?" He reminded himself he had yet to inform his own parents that their daughter was now a son.

"Dad was thrilled; now he's got the son he always wanted." The Chinese Martian rolled his eyes up. "And Mom-she's booked me an orgy tonight with fifteen women at a bordello in Queens."

"She what?"

"She wants me to father her some grandchildren." Amy sighed then looked frankly at Leela. "You wanna come?"

"You're actually going to do it?" Leela was aghast.

"Aren't you curious? To see what it's like from the other side?"

Leela sat back in his chair. "I'm still getting used to this body. As for the other-I just don't know. When I look at men now, it's not like when I used to-sure I can appreciate it if they look good but I just don't feel the same way. But last night, I went to a strip club-and all those naked girls didn't do anything for me either."

"Well, I'm sure you'll get it sorted out." Amy turned back out the doorway. "And I've got an appointment with some whores."

Leela turned back to the computer. "Why didna ye take up on that offer?" a deep, husky Scottish accented voice said from Leela's right buttock. "Would have been interestin'."

"Susan? You sound so-male."

"Have ye looked in a mirror lately?" the intelligent boil replied. Leela groaned. He should have known that if he had turned male, so would the singing growth on his butt. "An' why don' ye let me have a look at me new self, eh?"

Slowly, the cyclops got up from his seat and walked to the nearby mirror next to the door. Reluctantly, he lowered his pants and turned his rear towards the mirror.

"My, nay a bad looking laddie, if I do say so meself," said the boil. Leela glanced and saw that 'Susan' looked similar but with a beard and slightly receding hairline-almost like the Twentieth Century opera singer Pavorati. "Why a handsomer lad I donna thin-"

"Oh excuse me, and I interrupting something?" Leela looked and a ponytailed redhead standing in the doorway.

"Oh, sorry Fry." Leela felt himself blush as he pulled up his pants and turned to face Fry. "It's just, that well, Susan grew back."

"Why ye still call me 'Susan?' Do I sound like a Susan to ye?" yelled the boil from inside Leela's pants. "An why don ye wanna show me to this lovely lass?"

"It's only Fry," Leela said glumly.

"It's all right," replied Fry. "It's not like I haven't seen her-ah him, I mean-yeesh, this is so confusing."

"I still wanna look at her again," said the boil.

"All right fine." Leela rolled his eye as he turned and lowered his pants. "Happy now, whatever you want to be called?"

"My, ye are a fine lookin' colleen," the boil said as his tiny eyes gazed up and down over the female version of Fry. "What ye call yerself now, if I may ask?"

"Oh I don't know," said Fry coyly. "I was thinking maybe of Philippa, since it's like my own name-but maybe Phylliss sounds better."

"They're both lovely names, for a beauty like ye." Fry giggled girlishly. "As fer meself, call me Stewart; I think it's suits me."

"All right, are you done flirting with my boil?" Leela asked. He pulled up his pants and turned Fry. "And just what are you doing here? I thought you left with Bender and Scruffy."

"I did but-," Fry broke off in midsentence and sauntered to a spare chair where she sat down. Leela suddenly realized his eye was following Fry's wriggling rear end._ What am I thinking? _the mutant cyclops wondered to himself.

Fry continued, "I came here to show this," she said and she reached inside her purse and pulled out a computer disk. "Put it in."

Puzzled Leela picked up the disk and inserted it in the computer-and his eye went wide. For on the screen showed Fry, buck naked, in a series of poses that went from sexy to downright degrading and humiliating-too much to have been used for the calendar without violating several decency codes.

Leela wanted to turn away but he couldn't-some of the last scenes went even farther than that time the old Fry took a dip in goat vomit to apologize to Leela for posting a video of Susan on the internet. "Fry, why'd you do this?"

"Because," sighed Fry, her face buried in her left hand, "this whole thing is my fault. If I hadn't fallen asleep, or if you'd been piloting the ship in the first place, none of this would have happened-we'd all be in our rightful genders, Planet Express might have gotten out of bankruptcy without having to do that calendar, and worst of all-" now Fry started to weep, and streams of tears down her face that she buried in both her hands,-"I'VE COMPLETELY RUINED YOUR LIFE, LEELA!" Fry kept sobbing uncontrollably-more so than when she was a he. "So after I've had these done, I posted them on the internet because the only way I could possibly make it up to you was to bring myself down even lower than I did the time when I found out about Susan."

Leela couldn't help but smile; although the old Fry was often irresponsible, immature and thoughtless whenever he hurt someone he would go to great lengths to make up for it. Good to see that part hadn't changed. "There there," he said as he patted the distraught girl on the back, "stop beating yourself up over it. Besides, it's not _entirely_ your fault."

Fry stopped crying and looked up at Leela. "It's not?"

"Look Fry, it was ultimately the Professor who decided to put you and Hermes behind the pilot's seats. And it was that rock creature that screwed up our genders. "Now Leela's face darkened. "And that moron Zapp Brannigan killed the creature before it could set us to rights!"

Fry wiped the last tears from her face. "Well, at least now you don't have to worry about that guy hitting on you anymore."

"No, that's _you_ who has to worry about that now," Leela laughed. Although now that he thought about it, Leela could recall that time he'd been posing as a man in the Earthican army and how Brannigan seemed dangerously close to coming on to 'Lee Lemon.' _It'd be just my luck for that jerk to turn out to be bisexual._ "Besides, it's not like I haven't done my share of boneheaded things."

"You mean like the time you ruined the ship in that demolition derby?" asked Fry.

"Well, yes," Leela said glumly.

"Or how about when ye flew that shipment of Zuban cigars even though ye were temporarily blind?" added 'Stewart.' "Or when ye went on that mad obsessive hunt for the space whale simply because it ruined yer delivery?"

"Do you want to be lanced?" Leela shouted at his right buttock.

"I'll be good," said the boil, which was then silent.

"That's very nice of you Leela," replied Fry. But-I just feel like I owe you. So here." The delivery-boy-turned woman reached into her purse and pulled out what looked like a pair of tickets. "I want you to have these."

Leela brought the tickets up close to his large single eye. "Oh my. These are tickets for that dinner theater production of Phantom of the Opera tonight." Leela had wanted to see that musical but it was sold out for weeks. "How'd you get these?"

"I won them in a cotton-candy eating contest a week ago. I was going ask you out to it after we got back from Alcupulsar," the redhead looked down at her feet, "just take whomever you want."

It took all of Leela's self-control just to keep from laughing. Here was Fry again, going over the top to make up for something his-or-rather-her stupidity had caused. "That's awfully nice of you Fry but since tonight's the last night they're performing, and it starts at 8:00, I doubt I'll have time to find a date so, how about you come with me instead?"

"You-you mean it?" Fry got up from her chair and embraced Leela in a tight hug. "Oh Leela thank you thank you thank you!"

Confusion filled Leela's brain at the way Fry was acting so girlish and at the strange sensation he felt in his crotch. "All right now, just remember to be at my apartment at 6:15."

"6:15?" Fry asked. "But the play doesn't start until eight."

Leela chuckled evilly. "Well this is going to be a somewhat formal occasion-and I want to make sure you look your best."

* * *

A fair number of dresses and a full collection of various shoes were scattered upon the bed in Leela's apartment. Leela sighed; these had been the old female Leela's favorite clothes. But _he'd_ likely never be able to wear them again.

"Unless I decide to become a drag queen," he muttered, more to himself than to his alien pet Nibbler. But even as he spoke he dismissed the idea; not only would he look ridiculous with his broad shoulders, stubbly face, and rippled muscular arms, he'd feel ridiculous. But the way men dressed was just so boring!

"Are you thinking of giving these to Fry?" the Nibblonian asked. "He, er I mean she is roughly the same size you were."

"I don't know," Leela muttered. He was just glad he wouldn't have to put up with 'Stewart' for a while; on the way home the boil seemed to sense whenever a woman was nearby and yell out lewd and sexist comments, causing Leela to get slapped in the face several times. Once Leela got home, he lanced 'Stewart,' silencing him for at least a few days. "I mean, I can't wear them again, but at the same time, I don't want to let them go." The cyclops reached down and scratched the tiny alien behind his eye stalk. "Does that make me crazy?

Not at all." Said Nibbler. "In fact, I would say you are dealing with your unusual situation very well."

"Doesn't feel like it." Leela sat down on his bed and stared down at the floor. "I mean, today when Fry hugged me I felt myself go-get-become-."

"You got stiff?" Leela nodded. "Leela, that's how most young males' bodies react when they are touched a female-especially a rather pretty one, which Fry seems to be by your species' standards."

"But-I went to a strip club last night and seeing those girls flashing their naked bodies and pose in those ways didn't do anything for me. But when I touched Fry-,"

Nibbler frowned. "It's possible that, while you have the body and hormones of a man, since you retain the memories of your life as a woman your mind rebels against such attraction. Yet since you knew Fry as a man and had held feelings for HIM, your subconscious doesn't rebel at being attracted to HER. Do I make myself clear?"

"Very." Leela looked at Nibbler in amazement."

"I've also noticed you've been behaving like man in other ways, like sitting with your legs apart and using facial and hand expressions less. Also, since you've got back, you've done little more than pat my head and scratch me behind the ears, instead of cuddling me and making cutesy talk."

_He's right, come to think of it, _Leela realized. "You want me to?"

"In truth, I do miss the old Leela doing that, but coming from you as you are now it would feel-awkward."

"But I _hate _being a man!" Leela said. "I can't wear my favorite clothes anymore without looking silly, my body's so smelly and hairy-,"

"I may be able to help you with the last two."

Leela looked in the doorway. "Fry!" His eye glanced to the bedroom clock. "You're not supposed to be here for another fifteen minutes!"

"Yeah, well, I kind of wanted to come in early," Fry replied. "I knocked on the door, but you didn't answer and I knew you were home so I let myself in. Hope you don't mind?"

"No, not really." Leela looked at Fry nervously. "You just came in, didn't you?" He definitely hoped Fry didn't hear that part of his conversation with Nibbler about his having feelings for her.

"Yeah, just as I heard, like, were you complaining about your hairy smelly body?" Leela's single eye blinked; was Fry talking like a valley girl? "I kind of noticed it too so I got you this." Fry reached into her purse and pulled out a spray can that read 'Sewer Guard, the deodorant for the Manly Mutant.'

"Thanks, I think," Leela muttered. He did take the spray can and sprayed underneath his hairy armpits. After giving a couple of sniffs, he added "I DO smell a lot better. Thanks!" he said, and this time he meant it.

"Are you planning on growing a beard?" Fry asked.

"No," replied Leela, absently scratching the thick stubble growing around his mouth.

"Well, I brought my razor and shaving cream; all right if I give you a shave?"

"Sure," said Leela. He glanced over to the cabinet boxes that held all of Leela's jewelry and cosmetics. "And afterwards, I get to have my fun with _you."_

* * *

Zalarg's Dinner 'n Show was located in Little Neptune, a short walk from Elzar's restaurant. It was one of those dinner theaters where the show was performed while the audience ate in booths.

A four armed pig-snouted purple Neptunian waitress showed Fry and Leela to their booth. As he sat, Leela looked across the table at Fry. She looked positively gorgeous, with the short black mini-dress, earrings and black pumps Leela had picked out for her. Leela had also set Fry's hair in an elegant bun with red wisps framing her face, and given Fry full pouty red lips, dark mascaraed eyelashes and shaded her green eyes yellow. Dressing her and doing her makeup had been fun, as if Fry were some sort of living Barbie doll. _If Planet Express still goes under, maybe I could become a beautician._ Almost as soon as he'd had that thought though, he dismissed the idea. _Girls will think I'm gay. Wait a minute why would that bother me?_

Fry ordered the seafood scampi, Leela the Neptunian steak and slug stir-fry. As soon as the waitress took their orders to the kitchen, Leela said, "Fry, we need to talk."

"We do?"

Leela stared his single big eye straight at the redhead. "Fry-I mean, should I still call you Fry or Phyllis or Philippa?"

"Just call me Fry for now if you like," Fry giggled. "I mean, my last name stays the same no matter what gender I am."

"Okay. Well Fry, this is the first we've been alone together since this-happened to us." Leela glanced down at the shirt, tie, and paints he'd bought at a thrift store on the way home. The way men dressed was so dull!_ I miss my girls!_ Leela thought glumly of his old breasts. "I mean, you seem pretty casual about being a woman."

"Oh that." Fry gave a wave of her hand. "Leela, I've been cryogenically frozen and awakened a thousand years in the future, decapitated and had my head sewn onto Amy's body, had an arm and a leg cut off and re-attached in the wrong places, traveled back in time twice the first time becoming my own grandfather and the second creating a time paradox duplicate of myself that was doomed and cryogenically frozen a second time, had my body taken over by parasitic worms, my age reversed back to an infant, been inside a mutant, was interred in a robot insane asylum, traveled forwards in time where I witnessed the destruction of the universe, traded hands with the Robot Devil, and had my body switched with Zoidberg. I've even died and was reborn in a pool of stem cells. Compared to all that, what's turning into a girl?" Leela blinked; that was actually pretty deep for Fry. "I mean, like, don't get me wrong. It takes some getting used to, and last night I hardly got any sleep because I kept rolling over on these boobs."

Leela chuckled. "At least I don't have that problem. In fact I never did; I just grew into my 'girls' instead of getting them all at once like you. And these," he touched his left pectoral-"are a lot less sensitive." Then he added, "I hit the gym the night we got back to earth, and it all felt awkward. My balance is all wrong, my body's not as limber, and I smell even worse than I did before." Leela's eye narrowed on Fry. "And _someone _wrote my phone number on the men's locker room wall. And Amy's!"

"Hey, that was Bender, not me!" Fry said defensively.

"Relax, I believe you; it _was_ in Bender's handwriting," Leela said in an assuring voice. "Although it certainly explains all those lewd calls I've been getting."

"Well if you answer as you are now, they'll all hang up in a hurry." Fry retorted. Leela couldn't help but laugh; the image was just too funny.

The waitress brought their food and the lights dimmed; the play was about to start.

Leela found he could only keep half a mind on the performance; he kept looking back at Fry. She still ate like a man, wolfing down her pasta and seafood dinner in a rather unladylike manner and chugging down her beer. After setting down her mug, Fry released an audible _BURP! _that thankfully she covered with her hand. "Excuse me," she said in what _was_ a ladylike tone.

When the first intermission came, Leela spoke up. "Fry, may I axe you something?"

"Go ahead."

"Fry, have you ever thought about what changing genders has done-to our minds?"

"Like how?"

Leela sighed. "Fry, earlier today, you said how when you now say stupid thing, guys laugh and buy you stuff, and you acted like you enjoy it."

"So what if I do?" Fry shot back. "I mean, If I have to be a girl, at least I got a smoking hot body. Why shouldn't I enjoy it?" She sneered at Leela. "Even if you think it makes me a skank. Yes, I heard you, right after I said that."

Now Leela was irritated. "Well, I've got three letters for something you're not going to enjoy. P. M. S."

A look of horror came over Fry's face, and then she countered, "Ever get jock itch? Course you have, as often as you hit the gym and sweat. Well, it's gonna be a lot worse with the equipment you got now."

"Well, _you're _going to need to hit the gym a lot more, or else go on a diet if you don't want your _girlish _figure ruined by cellulite."

"Ha!' Fry snorted. "I've got a super-duper high metabolism; ever wondered how I live on junk food and stay so skinny even though I never exercise?"

Even if they were in their normal genders that would have stung; now Fry's remark hit with a double jolt. Still Leela had a comeback ready. "And I'm sure you'll find menopause pleasant too."

"Is your hairline receding?" Fry asked. "Your dad is bald and I hear it's hereditary."

Leela's hand flew to the top of his head, as if to make sure his hair was still there. "You ARE a skank!" he said, struggling to keep his voice low. Anger was rising in him, but something else was too, in his crotch.

"And you're a son of what you used to be!"

Leela leaned closer to Fry. "Hussy!"

"Uptight!"

"Bimbo!  
Now Fry moved closer, her two eyes glaring into Leela's single eye. "Control freak!"

Now Leela couldn't help himself. He grabbed Fry, pressing his mouth on hers, in a long, passionate kiss. Fry squirmed then kissed back, thrusting her tongue into his mouth.

They were still kissing as the lights began to dim, and the waitress came back with their bill. "Oh my." she said. "I guess I can come back when the play's over."

* * *

Two hours later, back at Leela's apartment, he and Fry were laid upon her bed, naked with only a few blankets scattered over them. Leela's eye stared up at the ceiling with his left arm cradled around her neck, while her own right hand rested on Leela's hairy muscular chest.

"Was it good for you too?" Fry asked.

"Oh yeah," Leela replied contentedly.

_Now if you've seen Neutopia already, you know how the story ends: Planet Express sells enough Calendars to become solvent again, and the Borax Kid arrives and restore everyone to their true gender. While I intended this story at first to be a one-shot, I suddenly started to wonder what if:_

Just as the Borax Kid's hand started to glow however, an orange laser beam blasted through the hole in the Planet Express building. The Borax Kid exploded, leaving only a thousand white rock fragment.

"Oh no," moaned Leela. "Not again!"

"Greetings citizens." Zapp Brannigan floated down on a hover disc through the roof to the angry gender-bent Planet Express staff and passengers. "I happened to be in the neighborhood and saw the meteor crash through the building. A scanner read it was the same type of alien I rescued you from before." His disc landed on the raised floor and he stepped in front of the small crowd. "Please, every one of you will get a chance to thank be. Especially you, Red," he winked at Fry, who blushed and giggled.

"You idiot!" Leela steppeddirectly in front of Zapp, his eye glaring madly. "Don't you know who we are?"

Zapp stared for several seconds. "You _do _look a lot like the lovely Turanga Leela. Are you her brother? Second cousin? A male clone from one of that crazy professor's crazy experiments?"

"I _am _Leela!" the Cyclops shouted. "That rock alien you killed earlier had switched our genders; and this one was going to turn us back. Now he's dead and we're stuck like this!"

Zapp stared, and suddenly his eyes went wide with recognition. "Leela please. I had no idea-." He stopped in mid-sentence as Leela's fist collided with his jaw, knocking the DOOP captain on his rear. Before he could get up, Leela grabbed him by the neck and pulled him up.

"There is one thing I like about this body." The male Cyclops grinned as he pulled Zapp's face to his, and reared back his right fist. "I'm a whole lot stronger than I was before. So this will hurt _you_ a whole lot more!"

_As I wrote, I couldn't help but wonder how the rest of season 6 would go if the Planet Express Crew was stuck with their genders switched, at least for a while. How would Morris and Munda act when they learned of the news? What would Cubert and Dwight think of their parents' predicament? Bender and Amana could easily be changed back, but for humans and other organic life it's not so easy (yeah I know they could all have the Operation, but that's not quite the same) But wherever I continue or not, it will be up to the readers so send in your reviews!_


	2. Chapter 2

Futurama and all related characters are the property of the great Matt Groening and 20th century Fox media. No money is being made of their use, Mr. Groening, if you think I'm stealing your characters, I'll give you 100% of my profits.

"_My Friend the other Rock Alien died without setting your genitals to rights," said the Borax Kids as he spread his hands, "So it's up to me to set up proper." A yellow energy projected and the Plan Am passengers who'd all had their genders switched appeared alongside the Planet Express employees. He then folded his hands and green light glowed-then the Borax kid burst into pieces._

"There!" Professor Farnsworth tapped the laboratory computer key pad, and then rewound the video several seconds. She stopped, and zoomed in on Borax Kid's glowing green hands. "That green energy! If only we could identify it!"

"Even if you could Professor, you don't know how it was used or means to generate it," said Nibbler. The small alien was sitting next to the computer watching the screen with Farnsworth. "My people have never encountered creatures like this Borax Kid or the other rock alien you described; they must be highly reclusive." Nibbler hung his head. "I wish I could help you more, Professor. But I'm afraid although my people have vast mental and telepathic abilities; changing one's physiology is beyond us. If I had accompanied the lot of you, I myself would likely have been turned into a female Nibblonian."

Farnsworth scratched her head then stared at her hand; it felt strange to have hair again after being bald for so many decades. "I don't care much about myself," she added. "I'm old and have lived a long full life; it's not so big a deal for me to live my last few remaining years as a woman. But this crew has been one of the best I've ever had and I owe it to them to set them right."

_Even though you frequently sent them on deliveries in far off and dangerous places, with scant regard for their safety or wellbeing, _the tiny Nibblonian thought. Yet he said, "I wish the Nibblonian council would help us, but alas, I fear they will not. If this were something that threatened the existence of the cosmos, yes they would but they consider what happened to you and the others a small matter that doesn't warrant the use of our scientific facilities."

Farnsworth sighed. "I guess then I just have to break the bad news to everyone."

* * *

Leela and LaBarbara were sitting at the conference table with the other women who'd been turned into men. "I've had several of my colleagues examine me over and again," Dr. Cahill said sadly. "There's no question about it; I myself and surely all of you have been turned into fully functional males, and the men into fully functional females. We could even get a woman pregnant!" Now both Leela and LaBarbara squirmed uncomfortably.

"Wait a minute," said April. He had been a Goth girl and still dressed like one. He looked really ridiculous, especially with that beginning of a beard. "Are you saying we'll start _liking _women?" He shuddered at the thought.

"Unless you were a lesbian previously." The doctor laid his left elbow on the table and placed his forehead on the palm of his hand. "I'm afraid testosterone is already starting to take over my brain; several times yesterday I've caught my eyes drifting towards women's cleavage or thier legs. And I couldn't help myself."

"And it's not just us," Leela added. He glanced over to the lounge room where inside, Victor, Sal, Scruffy, and Zoidberg were sitting watching some soap opera, and were weeping like, like-_a bunch of women_. "The 'girls' all seem affected as well. I was out with Fry last night, and he-I mean she-well you know-was acting very girlish, and completely comfortable-although she still ate like a man."

"That's a very good point," said the doctor. "We retain habits we formed over a lifetime, and should be able to keep certain aspects of our personalities-I still don't find fart jokes funny- but unless we find some way to reverse this soon-,"

April got out of his chair and leaned across at the blond doctor. "Are you saying we'll be like this _forever?"_

"I'm afraid so, unless we find some easy way to switch back which I don't see-,"

"Man oh man!" Everyone turned their heads to see Bender-the _male_ Bender- walking down the hallway with Amana the refrigerator-again pink and presumably female- right after him. Behind the two robots, wiping from his hands the oil that covered his overalls was Amy. "Changing back was easier than the first time I remember!"

"What do you mean 'the first time'?" Amana asked.

"Uh-nothing," and Leela knew Bender had been referring to the time when he was 'Coilette.' The robot quickly lit a cigar and stared at the table. "Say, when are you meat bags going to become lady meat bags again?"

"You and Amana are robots, Bender," Amy sighed. "For you it was simply a change of oil and replacement of certain parts, reshaping of your body, and a paint job. Humans and most other organic life forms aren't so easy to modify."

"That's true," said Dr. Cahill. "For us, changing genders would involve extensive hormonal treatments and surgical procedures that can take over a year. It's also very expensive and because it's considered elective surgery it's not covered by public health care."

"Besides, the electrolysis to remove all that body hair from Leela alone would cost a year's salary!" Amy added. Leela ground his teeth; true he did have a lot more body hair than before but he didn't like having his face rubbed in it.

"Besides even if we did all have sex change operations it wouldn't be the same. When we were altered, our bodies were remade as if we'd been born male." Dr. Cahill held up his hands. "These are a lot bigger than before and so are my feet. My shoulders are broader too, and I've got an Adam's apple."

"Just proves another advantage we robots got over these fleshy jerkwads," sneered Bender. He opened Amana's door and pulled out a beer. "What say we ditch these pitiful losers and find someplace dark and sexy, sweetcakes?"

"I'm with you, metal buns." The two robots walked toward the door and out the building.

"So what should we do?" snarled April. "Just accept it? I spent a year losing over 300 pounds, and _this _happens to me?"

"Yeah!" cried Hattie McDougal. "I'm sick of this whatyacallit, and I'm bald!"

"Just makes you even uglier than you were, and you were a hag to start with," Petunia sniggered.

"Oh yeah, you old slut?" Hattie shot back. "How many of your old tricks want you now?"

"Not many, and men don't look that good to me no more," Petunia admitted. "But I've found there a plenty of rich ladies eager for male companionship."

"So you go from being a tramp to a gigolo," snorted Hattie. "What a surprise."

"You're just-letting it happen to you?" April exclaimed at Petunia. "You're not going to fight it?"

Petunia shrugged. "I gotta eat, don't I?"

At the very moment Fry came into the building. "Fry!" Leela shouted. "Where have you been?"

"At the bank making a withdrawal." Fry stepped up to the table. "Here, I know you spent a lot of money for the vacation we ruined, so here." She reached into her purse and pulled out a stack of bills. "Here," she placed a couple of wads each in front of Petunia, Hattie, and the other former women. "I know it can't begin to make up for the damage we did to your lives, but here's your money back. With interest."

All of the ex-passengers counted up the money. "This is three times what I spent," said Dr. Cahill.

"Yeah," said Petunia. "That's awful nice of you."

"Thanks," said Fry. She walked towards the TV room when Leela got up. "Fry," he said, taking the red haired woman aside, "where'd you get that money?"

Fry blushed. "Remember those pictures I showed you yesterday"

"Yes."

"Well, I posted them on this website where, to see the really, really daring ones, the viewer has to pay a small fee of five dollars."

"And you made that much in only a short amount of time?" Leela said.

"Must be some really rich perverts out on the internet," Fry said. "Like the same kind that bought our calendar."

* * *

Walt and his brother Larry both stared at the holographic image emitting from their computer. "Oh yes, baby," drooled Larry as his eyes swept over the naked redhead.

"Oh my, she's got one of those?" said Walt, "and she's putting it there?"

"Hey guys," said Ignar, the youngest of the three brothers as came into the room. "Mommy's having a meeting with the board of directors and she want's- wah ah aha ah ah ah-," Ignar trailed of as he drooled, his eyes fixated on the erotic image that reminded him of the redhead from the _Girls of Planet Express_ calendar he'd bought yesterday.

* * *

"I've got good and bad news everyone," announced the Professor as she emerged from her laboratory. The Planet Express staff looked askance; when the Professor often announced _'Good news everyone!_' it was anything _but _good news. But announcements of bad news always were bad news. "It's possible I may be able to restore us all to our original genders."

"And what's the bad news?" asked Leela.

"It may take up to a year," said the professor, "before I can determine what kind of energy to use, and the right conditions to use it under. And that's if we use all the resources we have available to us."

"So what are we going to do in the meantime?" cried Hattie McDougal.

Hermes stood next to the professor. "I've requisitioned the forms needed to have our sex changes registered with the Central Bureaucracy." The pudgy bureaucrat held up a stack of papers. "All that will be required of you is to sign your names and give the new name you wish to go by."

Hattie snatched the paper from Hermes's hand. "Call me when you get some results," he snarled out of the professor.

April next grabbed a paper. "If you can't find any way to turn us back within a year," she glared at the Professor, "then I'm having a sex-change. It might not be the same as before, but it'll be better than this."

Sal and Victor likewise took the form sheets and walked out of the Planet Express building. Petunia and Dr. Cahill stayed behind.

"If it's all right with you Professor," said Dr. Cahill, "I'd like to help you with your research when I'm not working at the Head Museum. Perhaps working together, we may find a solution faster."

"Indeed, it would be most welcome," replied Farnsworth. She looked at the rest of the Planet Express staff. "As for the rest of you, we still have enough money to for Planet Express to continue as a delivery company. Now get back to work!"

The elderly woman and the young male doctor walked to the lab, with Amy right behind them. Petunia, however, sidled up to Fry.

"Look sugar," he said, "I was online last night, and I came across those pictures of you posted. I wondered why you did that; now I know that's where you got the money. And I want to say that it was awfully sweet that you'd degrade yourself like that to repay us."

"Thanks, I think." Fry blushed.

"And don't upset your pretty little head about how the others acted. This aint been easy on all of us, including you guys. So I just want to tell you I don't bear y'all any grudges." With that, Petunia took the paper from Hermes, and left the Planet Express building.

* * *

The skyline of New New York looked beautiful as Fry gazed up at the stars from the widow's walk railway. Strange, no matter how many times she'd seen it, especially now that she regularly travelled in space, the sight would still take her breath away.

"So, have you decided what name to register under?" Fry looked, and saw Leela standing behind her.

"I picked Phyllis," Fry said. "It was my Grandma Gliesner's name."

"I decided to register as Leo," said Leela. "But me and the others talked and decided that for now its best that we go by our regular names, at least with each other."

"Funny you know," Fry said. "Since this happened, I've kind of resigned myself to spending the rest of my life as a woman. I mean, compared to a whole lot of crap that I've been through it's no big deal. But now that the Professor and Dr. Cahill may find a way to turn us back, I realized I really want to be a man again. But if we spend too long like this-will I still want it? After we've spent so long with our bodies like this, will we have gotten used to it?"

Leela took Fry's hand in his. Strange how hers now seemed so delicate and feminine and his big, hairy and masculine. "Fry, it's going to be a difficult year for all of us." Leela's big round eye looked straight into both of Fry's. "But it'll be a lot easier with you with me."

"Leela, please believe me when I say that, if there was any way I could restore you all back to normal, even if somehow I'd have to be a woman forever, I would gladly do it. Especially for you."

"I know," Leela smiled. "I don't know anyone who, when push comes to shove, tries as hard as you do to do the right thing, even if it costs you." He leaned closer and kissed Fry. "That's what I love about you." Leela kissed Fry again. "Don't expect me to buy you stuff every time you say something stupid, you skank."

Fry gave that girlish giggle. "If you did, you'd go broke rrreeeaaalll quick." They kissed again, longer and more passionate than before.

Randy Muchinik and his partner Soupy happened to be walking by. "Hey, you two on the rail!" Randy called. "Get a room!"

_Okay, so chapter two is now up. As our story continues, Dwight and Cubert learn about their parents' predicament, Leela breaks the news to Morris and Munda, and Bender has to adjust to having a human female for a roommate.A certain aspect of Leela's mutant phyiology becomes more apparent now that testosterone is in the mix. Plus, why is Hermes now throwing up in the morning? _


	3. Chapter 3

Futurama and all related characters are the property of the great Matt Groening and 20th century Fox media. No money is being made of their use so Mr. Groening, if you think I'm stealing your characters, I'll give you 100% of my profits.

_Leela's grandmother was seen in the season 5 episode 'The Mutants Are Revolting.' Since she was not given a name, I have picked Eliza for her._

".. so that's what happened," Leela said, looking down at the floor of his parents' small house in the sewers. Although mutants now had been allowed to come to the surface for almost a year, most found they simply didn't _like _being out in the open in broad daylight and seldom went above except to buy food or clothes, or in the case of Leela's family to visit her. Living conditions in the sewers _had _improved however and the mutants now had better food, clothes, and building material for their houses. It didn't even smell quite as bad as before. "The professor and Dr. Cahill think they may be able to restore us to normal, but it will take some time-at least a year. Until then, we're all stuck like this."

Turanga Munda placed her right tentacle around the shoulders of her male daughter; her own mother Eliza was standing right beside her. "I know it'll be difficult sweetie, but I'm sure you and the rest of your coworkers will pull through. After all, you're a tough one."

Leela smiled. "Thanks mom."

"And besides," said Morris, as he leaned closer, his eye seemingly leering at Fry, who'd come down with Leela and was holding his hand, "you've certainly got yourself a very pretty lady friend." Fry simply blushed and giggled.

Leela had to fight the urge to roll his eye; did Fry have to do that _every_ time a man paid her a compliment? "Dad, that's Fry!" Morris just stared incomprehensively. "My coworker. The _guy_ who sometimes comes down with me from the surface. The _bi-clops."_ Now Morris blushed, a deep red that was very noticeable even in the dim light of the sewers. Munda and Eliza giggled softly.

The elderly mutant laid her tentacle that served as a left arm on Leela's right shoulder. "Dearie, how about we have a talk? Just the two of us?"

"Sure thing, Grandma." Leela got up from the couch and followed his grandmother to the nearby small kitchen. "What is it you want to talk about?"

Unlike Morris and Munda and Leela, Eliza had three eyes-as well as two octopus tentacles, one of which served as a right arm. All three of them were on Leela now. "This Fry person-she-he-I'm sorry, it's just so confusing."

"It's okay," said Leela. "I've been getting confused every time I've looked in the mirror for the past week."

Eliza gave a soft chuckle. "I'm sure you were. Anyway, this Fry means a lot to you, am I right?"

"Well, yes," Leela replied, feeling his cheek go hot as he remembered what he and Fry had done in her apartment the night after the play.

Eliza smiled. "I thought so, seeing as how _she's _wearing those earrings you found on your fifteenth birthday."

Leela suddenly remembered that day, walking down the sidewalk in Manhattan when _she _saw a small box marked 'to Leela,' and opening them, found a pair of beautiful diamond earrings. "Fry might as well wear them, seeing as how they'd look pretty silly on me right now."

"Yes they would," agreed Eliza. "But I think there's something you should know it wasn't your parents who left them for you to find. It was me."

"You left them for me, Grandma?"

Eliza nodded. "They were a gift from your grandfather to me. You want to hear about him?" Leela nodded, and Eliza began, "When I was 21-,"

* * *

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Cubert Farnsworth and Dwight Conrad were sitting on the lounge room couch, laughing so hard that tears were streaming down their twelve year old faces. When they had come down to the Planet Express Building from the Wozniak Nerd Academy, they had been told it was because of a family emergency. But they'd never expected _this._

"Will you two stop that?" LaBarbara Conrad cried out; he, the Professor, and Hermes were standing in front of their sons. The two boys quieted down, but by the grins on their faces they still wanted to laugh.

"This is no laughing matter!" cried the professor.

"Oh yeah-," snorted Cubert "-MOM? Or maybe I should say GRANNY?" He and Dwight giggled again; people might believe a man as old as the Professor _could _be Cubert's father. But no way would anyone consider the woman Hubert Farnsworth now was could be his mother.

"Listen, the both of you," LaBarbara glared down at the boys, his hand on his hips, "I know this is confusin-,"

"It sure is," guffawed Dwight. "I mean, who do I call Mom or Pops now?"

"Look boys, your she-daddies did a very bold and daring thing to help save this company and keep the two of you clothed and fed." He explained how their genders got reversed and how the women who were men posed for a girly calendar whose sales lifted Planet Express out of bankruptcy.

"YOU did that?" both boys exclaimed. Then they burst out laughing again.

"You sold enough of those calendars for that?" Cubert said incredulously. "Who bought them, a bunch of guys who are into wrinkly old prunes?"

"Or flabby old mamas?" chortled Dwight.

Suddenly Hermes sobbed, and wailed into LaBarbara's chest. "My son thinks I'm a flabby old mamma!" she cried. "Just like my own fat ugly mamma!"

"There there," LaBarbara said. He enfolded Hermes into his arms and let her weep while he glared at his son. "Now see what you did?"

"Aw Gee, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-," Dwight.

"Just shut up, and don't say anything for now," LaBarbara snapped.

"And you." The professor looked down at her clone/son. "You better stay quiet about this and still respect me as your father."

"Oh, I have as much respect for you now as I ever did," said Cubert, who then snorted like a pig.

"Because if you don't," Hubert Farnsworth continued, "I'll make a clone of my current body, age to twelve years, then use that mind switcher I invented last year to have your mind transferred to it!"

"You wouldn't!" Cubert squealed, again like a pig. He'd heard about that invention and the trouble it caused, because once two bodies used the devise, they couldn't directly switch back.

"I'm a mad scientist, remember?" Cubert gulped, and nodded. "Now you two boys just stay here and watch TV or whatever while we adults have a conference."

The three adults walked out to the conference room where Fry, Leela, Zoidberg, and Bender where waiting. "Where's Amy?" the professor asked. "And Scruffy?"

"Amy hasn't come in yet," said Leela. "And Scruffy-well, he-she went into the ladies room a while ago and hasn't come out."

Farnsworth walked over to the ladies room door. "Scruffy?" she called as she held her ear to the door. The professor's hearing wasn't what it had been, but she thought she heard the sound of faint weeping. "Scruffy, it's time for the meeting."

"Okay," said the voice inside the ladies room. The door opened, and suddenly everyone at the table stared at the strikingly beautiful woman wearing Scruffy's janitorial clothes and cap.

"Scruffy," Leela said, "you shaved your mustache."

"No, I didn't shave it." Scruffy looked down as she walked to the conference table and sat down; no sooner had she sat than Hermes ran suddenly sprang from her chair and ran for the same ladies room. "I woke up this morning-and it had fallen out." Scruffy buried her hands in her face and sobbed uncontrollably; everyone else stared at the usually stoic and emotionless janitor. "I had the mustache since I was fifteen; after I changed I could still look at myself and think I was the same. But I'm not; now Scruffy is a she!" Scruffy wept again loudly, only to be overheard by the sound of vomiting from the ladies room.

Hermes stepped out. "Sorry," answered the Jamaican bureaucrat. "I must have caught something-I seem to keep throwing up every half hour before noon."

Suddenly then entrance to the outside opened and in stepped Amy. "Sorry I'm late," he said wearily "I'm afraid I overslept."

Lisa sniffed the air. "Amy, have you been drinking? And what's with the perfume I smell?"

Before Amy could answer, the telephone rang. "Hello, Planet Express. Our crew is expendable; your package isn't. Uh huh. Uh huh. What, you want to speak to Amy?" She took the phone from her ear and held a hand over the speaker. "She says her name is Tiana Blake; she was a sorority sister of yours?" Amy froze, and then shook his head. "Ah no, she's not here. Can I take a message? Oh, you want to ask about her _cousin _Amos Wong?" Now everyone stared at Amy; Amos was the name he had registered his sex-change under at the Central Bureaucracy. "Well, I'll be sure to tell her." The professor held up the phone and looked at Amy who had sat down holding his face in his hands. "Now just what was that about?"

Amy groaned and told how he had gone to a mall the night before, but it didn't hold the same thrill as it had when he was female. While wandering aimlessly, he came across his old sorority sister Tiana and they got to talking, he introducing himself as Amy's cousin Amos. They ended up going to a bar together, and Amy had woken up less than an hour ago in Tiana's bedroom, lying naked right next to her. "I managed to get dressed and come here. God, what am I gonna do?"

LaBarbara laid a reassuring hand on Amy. "There there. We've all been through some stuff we wouldn't normally do."

"You don't get it. Before this, I always hated guys who'd just leave after a night in bed and not bother to call. And now I just did the very same thing!" Amy's moans joined in with Scruffy's weeping.

After several minutes, the Professor finally said, "Can we get down to business, or are we going to continue whining about our personal problems?"

* * *

The meeting went on for three hours about how now Planet Express could resume its original purpose as a delivery business. Fry only listened with half an ear; something about how they'd be doing three deliveries tomorrow.

She walked over to the lounge and saw Dwight and Cubert sitting on the couch, looking over a _Girls of Planet Express Calendar._ She giggled as she remembered the male Fry at their age, just starting to notice how cute girls were starting to get.

Cubert and Dwight didn't notice Fry; they were too engrossed in that calendar. "Oh boy, look at this," Dwight chortled at the image of the Professor on a beach scene, her breast flapping in the fan-made wind. "Who's gonna buy this, guys with vision problems?"

"Or guys into circus freaks?" laughed Cubert. He lifted up a page that showed Zoidberg in various girly poses.

"Man, the guys who bought this must be smoking something stronger than that weird scent that comes out of my dad's den," added Dwight.

"Or had _way _too many bottles of beer," put in Cubert. They flipped up another-to see a ponytailed redhead in a bikini and a very curvaceous body. "Oh my," Cubert said.

"Hey, this is that same girl we saw on the internet last night," Dwight said to his friend. "Remember, we hack past the school's censor barriers and-,"

"Oh yeah, I remember doing stuff like that." The two boys looked up and saw Fry, who'd just taken a can of Slurm from the fridge and opened it. "Oh boy, was my mom mad when she found out!"

Cubert and Dwight just stared for a couple of seconds. "Did they just hire someone new?" Cubert asked.

"No. Don't you guys recognize me?" They just stood there, staring blankly at Fry-or rather at her chest and hips. "C'mon, I may have had a sex change but I don't look _that _different do I?"

Now that the boys got a good look at her face, and her clothes, which were a feminine style of what Fry's usual attire, recognition dawned on them. "Fry?" Cubert said.

"D'uh, aren't you the rocket scientist," Fry said sarcastically. She took a long drink of her Slurm, and then walked to the door. As she did, Cubert and Dwight's eyes followed her, focusing on her rear end wiggling through her jean skirt.

As soon as she was out of the room, Cubert and Dwight looked at each other. "Did we just-," Dwight said slowly.

"At Fry?" Cubert replied. They two boys gulped and then cried "_AAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!"_

* * *

"Leela, why can't I just take one of these pills right before the next time we-," Fry said as she and Leela approached the door of the apartment Fry shared with Bender.

"Because birth-control doesn't work like that," Leela sighed. "Look Fry, right now, you're a fully functional woman. And I'm a fully functional man. "Which means, I could get you pregnant? You want to be a mother?"

"Well, no," Fry said. "I mean I sometimes thought about having kids, but not like that. Any of your old boyfriends ever pester you about birth control?"

"No. I had to do it all by myself," smiled Leela as they entered the apartment, where Bender was sitting on a sofa watching TV. "Besides, so far you've mainly experienced the fun part of being a woman. About time you learned firsthand about all the crap that goes with it," and Fry shivered at the smile on Leela's face. "Any other questions?"

"Yeah," said Fry. "How come you've been wearing you jacket all day?"

"You've been wearing yours, haven't you?" Leela rolled his eye.

"Yes, but I wear it most of the time. You normally just wear yours when it's cold."

"All right, fine." Slowly carefully Leela took off his green jacket. "There, happy now?"

"What are those?" Fry asked. Growing out of Leela's elbows, shoulders and the undersides of his forearm wrists were short, horny, talon like growths.

Bender had gotten out of the sofa and walked over to the two humans. "Neat," he said as his eye sensors scanned over Leela's new appendages. "When this happen?"

Leela hung his head. "I've had talons growing out of my elbows since I was fifteen. I'd always trim them down, but since I turned into a man," he sighed, "they've been growing back faster and bigger, and I have them coming out in places they hadn't before."

"Wow, they make you an even bigger freak than you were before, with that one eye and the singing butt boil," giggled Bender.

"Bender!" scolded Fry. She touched the tip of Leela's right shoulder talon. She smiled at Leela. "I think they look rather sexy on you."

Leela gave a small smile. "Are you just saying that to make me feel better?"

"No I mean it." Fry gave Leela a quick kiss on the cheek. "But does my saying it make you feel better?"

"A little," Leela said. He turned to Bender and held out a small piece of paper. "Here's the schedule for Fry's birth control pills. Make sure she takes them at the appropriate days and time, and that she's taking the right pills."

"Hey, I can do it without needing Bender to remind me," Fry said sourly.

"Oh really?" Leela snorted. "Fry if you'd been born female I'll bet you would have gotten pregnant before you turned fifteen, as irresponsible as you are."

"I would not!" Fry shot back.

"Whatever. I don't have time to argue; we've got to be at work early tomorrow to start our deliveries." Leela looked back at the robot. "Have you fully scanned the schedule?"

"Yes ma'am," replied Bender. "Don't worry; I'll make sure Fry takes her medication."

"Good." Leela looked back at Fry. "Just make sure you get a good night's sleep. We've got deliveries to Amazonia, the drow homeworld of Lolth V, and the Leonard McCoy Medical School on DeForrest VI."

"Better stay in the ship on Amazonia," Fry said coyly, "or the ladies might want to give you snu-snu."

Leela shuddered at the thought. "Just make sure you come to work on time tomorrow," he said, and walked out the door.

Bender walked back to the sofa, Fry to the refrigerator. After taking out a bottle of beer, she walked back to the bean bag next to the sofa and sat down.

"So Leela's got you on birth control?" Bender said. "Fry, does that mean-that you like guys now?"

"Well yes-no." She twisted the cap off her beer and took a long drought. "I mean, it's kind of flattering when guys look me over and hit on me; and I love it when they buy me stuff for saying stupid things. But I'm not attracted to them like that-except for Leela."

"Oh." Bender looked back at the TV and flipped the remote. "All right!" he cried. "Fembot Crude Oil Wrestling!"

For the next couple of hours, the two roommates watched fembots with curvy and voluptuous metal bodies go at each other in a pool filled with unrefined crude oil. Like the live audience at the location, Bender hooted macho statements. "C'mon, Metal Mistress!" he shouted as he waved his fist in the air, then Looked at Fry. "C'mon Fry get with it. Even humans like this sorted of thing; you always did."

"Maybe," said Fry. "But it just doesn't do anything for me now." She took another drink of her beer.

"Geesh Fry, what's gotten into you?"

"I don't know. It's just-what's happening to me?" Fry hung her head. As Leela and I went to the hospital to get these birth control pills, we passed by several stores with mannequins in the latest style of dresses, and all I could think off was how much I wanted to try them on! And this morning, I started putting on makeup when I got a good look at myself in the mirror and thought, 'oh my God I've become my mother!' And the scary part is, I do look a lot like her now."

Bender stood up and scooted closer to his human remote. "Fry, why didn't you say anything like this before? You've seemed pretty nonchalant since you changed; it was as if you really like being a woman."

"Well I do-it's just-oh God, I'm just so confused!"

"There there buddy." Bender got up and walked over to the TV. "Here," he said as he reached into the compartment on his chest and pulled out a silver disc. "Here's something that'll cheer you up. I was at the video store earlier, and I rented _Twisted Metal XXVII-Sweet Tooth Gets Cloned."_

"You did?" Now Fry's face brightened up. "Put it in, put it in!" Bender got out the game console, and the robot and redheaded woman spent the next two hours creating explosions and mayhem with missiles, machine gun, and ice cream trucks.

* * *

The Planet Express Crew and staff were seated at the conference table; the ship was loaded but the Professor told them Dr. Cahill had found something and needed to speak with them before they left.

The telephone rang; LaBarbara picked it up. "Say Amy, you know anybody named Delzag? She's calling for "Amos.'" Amy froze, and then shook his head. "No I'm sorry, Amos isn't here," LaBarbara said into the phone, then hung up. "Now just what is the meaning of this?"

Sighing Amy told how he went grocery shopping in Little Neptune, and came across a Neptunian woman Delzag. They got to talking-and Amy woke up early next morning in bed next to her. "I got dressed and went out the door without waking her up-just like I did with Tiana."

"Sweet stingray of Tampa Bay!" cried LaBarbara. "You're becoming a womanizer Amy!"

Amy just looked dejectedly at the floor. "It's just-when I was talking with them, something came over me. I can't really explain it either. Since that night when I got my first taste of what sex is like for a man I want more-and I can't stop!"

"And what does Kif think about it?" Leela asked. Since that whole Proposition Infinity matter, Amy and Kif had been somewhat off and on-although they still went out sometimes Amy also went out with other men and Kif, having gained more confidence in such matters, sometimes saw other women. "He's left messages on my voicemail but I haven't answered-I just don't know how to face him. What do I say? 'Hey Kif, guess what? I've been turned into a man by a strange rock alien and now I like women?'"

"You're going to have to tell him," said Leela. "He deserves to know the truth."

Just then, Professor Farnsworth walked into the Conference room with Dr. Cahill. "Good news, everyone!" she called out.

"You've found a way to turn us back already?" asked Fry.

"Regretfully no," said the Professor. "But Dr. Cahill's made an important discovery about our situation."

"I have, although I hardly consider it good news," sighed the doctor. He looked out at the table. "Last night, I've been examining blood and urine sample from each of us, and save for the Professor, which is probably to extremely advanced age, nearly all of us have much higher levels of either testosterone or estrogen than normal men or women. I'm not certain about Zoidberg, but then I don't know much about Decapodians. For the rest of us, however, we've all become hyper hormonal-and it's affecting our behavior."

"Wait-you mean that's why Amy's woken up in the beds of two different women two days in a row?" said Bender.

"Bender!" shouted Leela, who then looked at Dr. Cahill. "And could this also explain why Fry's been acting so girly-girl and affectionate?"

"Possibly," said Dr. Cahill. "It's certainly explains why whenever I see a beautiful woman it's impossible for me to concentrate-I get a glimpse, and suddenly all I can think about are boobs, sensual lips, and plump shapely hips."

"But-you've been working with me last night and didn't seem distracted," said the professor.

Hermes leaned in closer. "And I've worked late last night and came to the laboratory. I even discussed a couple of matters with you, and you just went right back to work."

"I meant _beautiful _women," sighed Dr. Cahill. "No offense, Professor, but neither you nor the paper pusher do anything for me. It has to be a woman with thick flowing hair, full sensual lips, and a steaming hot body,"-now Scruffy came into the room, mopping the floor-"like-I used-to-have-." Dr. Cahill's voice trailed off as his eyes followed the janitor, narrowing on her chest and hips, and a thin line of drool flowed from the corner of his mouth.

"Snap out of it!" Professor Farnsworth's hand slapped Dr. Cahill's face.

"Thanks," he replied, rubbing his cheek and turning his eyes away from Scruffy. "I needed that."

Hermes, however now started crying. "The doctor thinks I'm ugly!" she wailed into LaBarbara's chest.

"There there, my plump little potato. He didn't mean it like that." LaBarbara hugged Hermes tight and kissed her; that seemed to quiet the distraught bureaucrat. He looked apologetically at Dr. Cahill. "Is that also why the wifey-man's been getting so sensitive and throwing up every morning?"

"Well that may explain the former, but when I examined her urine sample, I found something else."

LaBarbara got up from his seat and walked to the doctor. "What is it, mon?" he said looking down from his full six-foot height.

Dr. Cahill stuck out his hand. "Congratulations."

LaBarbara stared at Dr. Cahill then realization dawned on him. "Sweet gibbon of-," he began, fainting before he could finish.

_Okay, guess what's up with Hermes. And for the next chapter Fry Leela and Bender make their delivery to Amazonia, Amy has a talk with Kif, and we get a look at what happened with the other gender-switched characters._


	4. Chapter 4

Yo, Bender here. This fic you're reading is set in the world of _Futurama_, the show that was cancelled by the idiots at Fox and then brought back by the even bigger idiots at Comedy Central, and is being written by an idiot who's not getting paid so he can entertain the idiots who read the crap on this web page!

_One of the challenges of writing a gender bending fic is in the use of gender specific pronouns such as she, her, his, or him To clarify things a bit I will generally use them will refer to characters in their present gender; however, whenever I use them in something like referring to a past event, I will use the pronouns for their usual gender in italics. _

Slowly LaBarbara came to. He blinked around, to see to that he was laying on a cot in doctor Zoidberg's office. He then saw that Hermes was sitting on the examination table, with Drs. Cahill and Zoidberg standing beside her. "How long was I out?" he asked.

"About a minute and a half," Dr. Cahill replied. "I told you and the others that it was possible yesterday.

"I'm sorry," said LaBarbara, "it's just that-it's still such a shock to me."

"It's a shock to _you_?" exclaimed Hermes. "I'm the one who's pregnant!"

"But weren't you pregnant when we met?" asked Zoidberg.

"I'M A MAN!" cried Hermes at the crustacean doctor. "I mean, I was a man, and men don't get pregnant, you incompetent crayfish! I was just fat!" Now Hermes's face clouded up and she started sobbing into her hands. "I still am fat. And now I'm going to get fatter still!"

"There there Hermes." LaBarbara walked over to his spouse and draped his arm around her. "You're just pleasantly plump." He rubbed Hermes's round stomach. "Very pleasantly."

LaBarbara's rather sensual tone seemed to calm Hermes down. "That's very good of you LaBarbara. But, now we have something important to talk about.

LaBarbara knew Hermes was right. They had at times discussed having another child, but had never expected it to be like this. And although Hermes had always been a shrewd financial planner things were going to be tight until Planet Express got fully back on its feet. "Could we have some privacy?" he asked.

* * *

"All right," said Leela, "I've made it through the solar system out onto the main space ways; for now unless there's an emergency, for now the ship can handle itself on autopilot." He smiled; it felt really good to be doing something familiar and routine.

Or maybe not quite as routine as that. Fry had been sitting on her seat with an open compact and freshening up her lipstick. Leela guessed both must have been sent by the Central Bureaucracy; he had received a similar package containing cologne, men's deodorant, a razor and shaving cream.

"Alright, Bender, you have first watch," said Leela. "Remember to press the red button in case of an emergency."

"Will do." Bender raised his martini glass. Leela got up from the captain seat and walked out of the pilot room. Fry followed right behind him into the ship's hallway.

"So, the red-haired woman asked, "how long until I have to relieve Bender?"

"Twelve hours," replied Leela. "I suggest you get yourself some sleep."

Fry's arm wrapped around Leela's waist. "Oh I can think of something much more fun than sleep."

Leela sighed. "Fry, fraternization of that sort between captain and crew while on the job is strictly forbidden. I could lose my license!"

"I won't tell if you won't," Fry said coyly and fluttered her eyelashes. "Besides, what was the point of getting me those birth control pills if we're not going to do it? You know you want to."

"Fry, please!" Leela tried very hard _not _to stare at the top of Fry's cleavage poking through her skimpy halter top. _God! Can men not help being boob obsessed idiots?_ "Regulations aside, it's best until you wait awhile after you've started taking it."

"I don't want to wait." Fry pressed her lips onto Leela's and thrust her tongue into his mouth. "C'mon Leela, now's the perfect time!"

"Fry please!" Leela grabbed Fry by both wrists and closed his eye. She shook his head for several seconds, and then opened his eye, staring straight into Fry's two. "YOU'RE BEHAVING LIKE A SLUT!"

Fry blinked, and then started to sob. Leela let go of her wrists, and she cried into her hands. "OH MY GOD! I'M SO PATHETIC!" She backed into the hallway wall, and kept weeping as she sat down on the floor.

Leela knelt down next to her. "Fry, I didn't mean-,"

"No. That's not it." Fry removed her hands from her face; mascara was running down her cheeks. "I thought I could handle it," she added as she looked down at her black pumps. "You know, have some fun dressing up and doing girl stuff until the professor found a way to turn us back, then pick my life back up where it left off. But," and she wiped another tear from her cheek, "the longer my body's like this, the more I think and act like a girl." A fresh stream of tears ran down her cheeks and she buried her face in her hands again. "I mean, am I still Philip J Fry? Am I turning into Phyllis? Am I _already _Phyllis? I don't know who I am anymore!"

"Fry, listen to me. It's not you. It's these excessive hormones in our bodies that Dr. Cahill told us about. They're making us act like this." Fry sniffed, but said nothing. "Why haven't you said anything about this before?"

"Macho pride," Fry sobbed. "Pretty stupid, considering the body I've got now."

"You do want to be a man again?"

"YES!" Fry wailed.

"Remember, it's just these hormones then. It's not really you. You're _still _Philip J Fry." Given Fry's emotional state, a lot of men would have taken advantage of her right then. Leela knew a BIG part of him wanted to do just that. And he also knew Fry would have gladly gone along too. But it wasn't what she needed right now.

"C'mon," he said as he held Fry in a tight hug, careful to make sure her face avoided the sharp talon growing out of his shoulder. "Let it out." Fry cried again, louder and longer. "Just let it out Fry."

* * *

"Amy's a-a man now?" Lieutenant Kif Kroker looked around at the altered forms of Professor Farnsworth, Dr. Zoidberg, Scruffy, Hermes and LaBarbara Conrad. He had been calling her for the last three days while he was on leave in the Alpha Centari system. When she didn't answer he got worried and took the first shuttle to earth. Not finding Amy in her apartment, he headed for Planet Express-and saw the gender-reversed versions of everyone.

"I'm afraid so," said the Professor. "And the change is 100%, too. Hermes even happens to be pregnant."

"You didn't have to mention that just now!" Hermes cried at the professor.

"And she-he hasn't show up for work yet either," the professor continued. As if on cue, the telephone rang. The elderly woman got up and walked over. "Hello Planet Express. You need it delivered we'll do it even if it kills our crew. Yes. Is he? Oh my." She held the phone away and covered the speaker with her hand. "Good news everyone! It seems Amy has been found in a room at the Paris and Nicole Hotel on Fifth Avenue."

"She-he's all right?" said Kif stumbling over the pronouns.

"Oh yes. But the hotel says we have to come over and get him." After taking the transport tube over to Fifth Avenue, a chamber maid led the Planet Express staff to a room on the thirteenth floor. There on a bed, tied to all four posts by the wrists and ankles and naked as the day he was born-albeit a different gender-was Amy.

"Bad enough that #&*$* dumped my clothes and stole my wallet after she tied me up," Amy snarled at the maid. "But couldn't you guys have untied me and got me some clothes?"

"We could, but decided it was funnier this way," said the maid. May then looked and saw standing with his co-workers was Kif-and himself naked and his new gender all too apparent.

* * *

"I suppose we're going to need to talk, Kif."

"Do you have to bring me here?" Hermes muttered under her breath as she and LaBarbara stood outside the Expectant Gap outlet at the mall.

"Look Hermione," LaBarbara said, using the name Hermes had registered under while they were in public. "You're going to need maternity clothes, and the ones we have left from when we were expecting Dwight won't fit you." Which was true. In either gender LaBarbara was both taller and slimmer than Hermes, and if Hermes was going to carry a baby full to term, she would need clothes that fit her.

"And another thing, this diet you have me on," said Hermes.

"No," LaBarbara said firmly. "You're eating for two now, and so no junk food. Also no cigars, no beer, and no roach!"

"But-,"

"Listen, woman," LaBarbara said as they went inside, his voice taking a softer tone, "I just want this baby to healthy. When I was carryin' Dwight, I didna have as much as a single cup of coffee."

Hermes sighed. "I understand. And it's only fair too." She still looked glum as they approached a counter. "I'm here because we just found out we're expecting," she told the clerk, "and we need some maternity clothes."

"Oh come right this way," the woman said as she stepped out and led the Jamaican couple over to an aisle. "We have a whole wide selection of dresses and stretching pants perfectly suited to a woman of your physique."

As the clerk picked out several items of clothing and held them before Hermes, exclaiming how they'd all look lovely on her, LaBarbara became uncomfortably aware of a blonde woman eying him. Without false modesty LaBarbara knew he cut a good looking figure as a man. Yet since he was changed, he felt no attraction to anybody except Hermes, and found the idea of women looking him over flattering and creepy at the same time.

As soon as the saleslady took Hermes to the dressing room, the woman stepped up to LaBarbara. "Hello, I'm Wendy Hendson," she said.

"I'm LaBarb-er, LeBron Conrad," said LaBarbara, giving his registered male name. "And while I'm flattered, I'm quite happy with my woman."

"No, no, it's not like that," Ms. Hendson said as she took out a card from her purse. "I happen to be the illustration editor for Pierrot Romance." LaBarbara recognized that name; he'd read several of that company's romance novels. "I happen to be expecting too, and I just noticed you. Have you ever modeled before?"

"Not professionally," said LaBarbara. "I did pose for this calendar, but it fell through."

"Well, we've been looking for a new male cover model," Ms. Hendson replied, "And I think you have just the right look. You can keep the card; call us if you're interested."

LaBarbara said nothing, just looking at the card for several seconds. The job at Planet Express was had just been a trick to get female LeBarbara to pose with the other girls for the girl calendar. And with the baby coming, the Conrads very well could use the extra money. "I'll have to talk with my woman about it," he finally said.

"Sure thing," Wendy answered. "It's not really a full time thing we're offering, and you're free to quit any time you like. Although," and she smiled as she said it, "with your looks, you could go far in this business."

_I know I promised a look at what's been going on with the others, but so far I haven't found the time to put them in. I hope to have them in the next chapter though. Thanks to everyone who sent in reviews, and please send me more. Tell me what you'd like to see. As I've stated in the story Most of the gender sapped, save for the Professor and possibly Hattie, are now hyper hormonal. Yet it affects them all differently. Leela and Fry contemplate their relationship, and Amy talks with Kif at a bar(And no, there's not going to be any m/m slash between them, in case you were wondering)_


	5. Chapter 5

Morbo is here to tell you puny humans that Futurama belongs to Matt Groening and the pathetic Earthlings at Fox and Comedy Central. The lowly author is not making any money and could not hire a lawyer, so it would be silly for any of those who do own the characters and situations to sue him. _NOW CONTINUE TO READ THIS IDIOTIC TALE!_

"You're seriously thinking about this?" Hermes asked. She and LaBarbara were having lunch in the mall food court; LaBarbara had just told her about the offer Pirouette Romance had made him.

"We definitely could use the money, what with the baby coming," LaBarbara said. "And let's face it, that 'job' you hired me for at Planet Express was just so I could pose for that nudie calendar, wasn't it?" Hermes just looked down and moped at her Caesar salad. If you didn't have a problem with me doing that, why do you have one now?"

"Well," said Hermes wistfully, "I've seen the covers of those romance novels, and well, all of them have the man posing with a scantily clad woman and kissing or tearing her shirt or holding her an intimate way."

LaBarbara couldn't help but laugh. "So _that's _what you're so worried about, Hermi." He took her hand in his. "Listen there's only one woman I feel anything for-and that's you."

"You left me once before," Hermes replied. LaBarbara sighed, and realized Hermes was talking about the time when _he_ was decapitated and LaBarbara, thinking Hermes would no longer be able to provide for the family, went back to _her _first husband Barbados Slim.

"I've made up for that since," LaBarbara said. "Remember the night after you got your head put back in place?"

"Very." The small grin on Hermes face and the way her cheeks turned pink said she recalled the week afterwards very well. "But LaBarbara, you're a hunk, and some of those girls might-,"

"You assume that a woman's a man-hungry slut just because she models for a living?"

"No!" Hermes leaned forward and looked her male wife straight in the eyes. "But I know how men get when they are surrounded by beautiful women. Trust me, I know better than most women could."

"Do you feel attracted to other men besides me?"

"No!" Hermes replied, the pink in her cheeks turning bright red.

"Well, it's the same for me, but in reverse. I don't feel anything for any woman except you," LaBarbara smiled.

"Amy doesn't seem to have any trouble," Hermes said sourly.

"I'm not Amy," LaBarbara replied. "And if it makes you feel any better, you can come and watch me while we're doing the photo shoots."

Hermes looked over LaBarbara's shoulder. "Oh look!"

LaBarbara turned his head and saw a man in a plaid suit standing next to a red and yellow hovercar. And draped over the hood was an elegantly beautiful swarthy woman wearing a blue sequined gown.

"Yesiree folks, Malfunctioning Eddie's is offering this once in a lifetime deal!" the man in plaid boomed into a microphone. "For just five dollars, you can enter to win this 3011 Ford Thundercougarfalconbird, worth 80,000 dollars! Just step right up, sign the entry slip, and give our lovely gal Vicky your five dollars, and you're in the contest!"

LaBarbara shrugged. "I don't see anything strange."

"Look at the model."

LaBarbara peered closer and gasped. "Sweet dugong of Hong Kong! It's Victor!"

"Actually, she's going by Victoria nowadays."

* * *

"You're really enjoying this, aren't you?" Fry said sourly.

Leela didn't answer, but just stood in his captain's chair and smiled. Right after they had left Amazonia, Fry had entered her period. By the look on her face, it was plain she was not happy. "Okay, you said I'd learn about the crap that goes with being a woman and I guess I am. God, my stomach hurts worse than that time I drank thirty cans of Slurm and Loubrau mixed together. And this tampon irritates my sides."

"It's the brand I always used and I never had a problem," Leela said, doing his best to keep a straight face. _Maybe being a man isn't so bad after all,_ he thought to himself. _I'm certainly not going to miss _that, _anyway._

"Just how long's it gonna last anyway?" Fry moaned.

"About a week," said Leela. "How long before we come to Lolth 5?"

Fry glanced down at the navicomputer before her chair. "About two hours." She then giggled. "Remember how those Amazonian girls were all looking at you? I just know how eager they were to give you snu-snu."

"Don't remind me," Leela muttered. Normally when a woman other than Fry looked at him like that he felt creeped out. Those gigantic, muscular Amazonians-the thought of one of _them _on top of him scared him out of his wits. "Did you read up on Lolth 5?"

"No. Why?"

Trust me. When you deal with the drow there, it's best to know everything about them."

* * *

"You've been with _how_ many women?" Kif asked.

"Eighteen, if you count the one who tied me up and stole my wallet." Coming out of most men that would have sounded like a proud boast. Amy only seemed ashamed of himself. "The first fifteen was something arranged by my mother. Don't ask."

"I won't." Kif shuddered and took a long pull at his Neptunian ale. "Your mother is a scary woman."

"Tell me about it." Amy sat his beer down on the table he and Kif were sitting at O'Shauesy's Pup. "And I do feel awful about the other two, the way I snuck out of their bedrooms before they woke up, and it was probably karma the way I got tied up and had my wallet stolen. But what was I supposed to tell them-that I'm really a woman who had her gender altered by a mysterious rock alien, and hopefully might be turned back within a year?" Now he looked down into his beer. "And that's also why I kept ignoring your calls Kif. I just was afraid to face you."

"I understand."

Amy blinked. "You do?"

Kif nodded. "If our situations were reversed, I don't think it would be easy for me to talk to you either. After all, we've been together for so long, although the way we've been so off and on this past year probably makes it easier."

"Are you saying it's-over?"

"I still care about you-just not-in that way," said Kif. "And I'd say it's fair to assume the same about you." The whole time they'd been in the bar, whenever attractive women walked by Kif saw Amy's eyes drift-particularly at their cleavage or rear end. Amy probably didn't even realize he was doing it himself. "Dr. Cahill told me about the accelerated hormones in your body and how it's affecting you."

"Yeah, I'm a real Don Juan," Amy muttered. "The crazy thing is, I never felt attracted to women before this happened to me. I mean, I never even experimented the way a lot of girls do like that. But now, when a pretty girl starts talking to me, it's just-something takes over me and all I want to do is screw her."

"Sounds like ZBS," snorted Kif.

"Huh?"

"Zapp Brannigan Syndrome," Kif said and Amy guffawed. Kif sighed, then laid his hand on Amy's. Amy's hand now felt strange; it was bigger and squarish with longer finger-a man's hand. "Amy I hope the Professor and Dr. Cahill can find a way to restore you and the others. But no matter what happens," and Kif looked straight into Amy's eyes, "I'll always be your friend."

"Thanks," Amy said. "Because right now, I really need one."

Across the barroom, a rather grumpy looking old man had joined a skinny middle-aged blond man and three women. One of the women was fat and dressed in a white tank top and red baseball cap the other two were quite slender with graceful lithe bodies. One was dark blonde and dressed in a gray cap and blue jumpsuit the other Latina and wore a white business suit.

"Took you long enough to get here," said the skinny blonde man that had been Petunia.

"Bus got held up in traffic," muttered Hattie McDougal, who then stared at Petunia. "When did you start to grow a mustache?"

"Always kinda wondered what it'd be like to have one." Petunia fingered the hair growing on his upper lip. He took a long drag on his cigarette, then turned to Scruffy. "Last time I saw you, you still had facial hair."

"It fell out," Scruffy said flatly. She, Sal and Victor were going through that time of the month, and it was making the three of them moody and depressed. In a mournful voice she continued, "The Professor and the doc are still working but they haven't gotten anywhere yet. One thing they tried nearly made the building blow up."

The other seated around the table shuddered. "So wes's still stucks likes this?" Sal said, her voice nearly as moody as Scruffy's.

"Reckon so."

"Well no point in us coming here without orderin' something." Petunia summoned a waitress over and ordered a beer. "C'mon, get something to drink. I'm buying," he said as he took out a huge wad of bills.

"Let me guess-you found some rich trick to sponge off of," Hattie snidely remarked. "Or is it a 'Trixie?'"

"Why don't you take of that cap," answered Petunia. "On second thought don't, or the light glaring of your chrome dome will blind everyone in this bar." Hattie glared at Petunia; baldness wasn't the only thing he hated about being a man but it was high on the list. But hair implants cost a bundle and toupees felt hot and heavy.

The others ordered their drinks, and as the waitress went back for them Petunia spoke up. "So, what's been happening with y'all?"

Sal was still working for her brothers' construction firm-although they had her working at the typing pool and making coffee. It's terribles," she cried. "I even have to wear a dress and shower! My brothers, they don'ts sees me. Theys just sees a broad, and they put me to do a broad's works."

"Eddy has me working as a show model for the raffle we're holding at the mall," Victor said quietly. "The men who sign up-so many of then try to cheesy pickup lines. And the worst part is, my co-worker Karl-he keeps trying to proposition me, even though he knows it's me, Victor!"

"Welcome to womanhood," Petunia said smugly as he took a drag on his cigarette. Even surly Hattie cackled at the former men's predicament.

"What about you, sugar?" Petunia glance at Scruffy. "You ain't had much to say all night, other than the professor and the former lady Doc ain't any closer to curin' us."

"Not much else to say." Scruffy had always been rather quiet and taciturn; the trait served her pretty well since she became a she. "The other doc, y'know, the talking lobster-is now workin' part time at the children's hospital."

"What kajigger of a parent would trust their child to that incompetent whatchyacallit?" Hattie retorted.

Scruffy snorted. "She ain't treatin' 'em; the hospital banned Zoidberg from that decades ago. Naw, she's just goin' over to read to 'em and entertain 'em. Got a little act goin' called Auntie Zoid the bag lady. From what the professor says, when a female Decapodian reaches her age, they enter a rather maternal phase where they take care of the young 'uns that crawl out of the sea. She's actually better at that than she ever was a doctor."

The waitress returned with their drinks. Scruffy took a long drink form her beer, then touched her lip to wipe away foam from a mustache that wasn't there. "Scruffy misses her old push broom," she said dejectedly.

"Mind if I join you guys?" The five looked and saw April standing there, looking as feminine as_ she_ had been before they crashed on that planet and had their genders altered by the rock alien.

"You found a way to change back?" Hattie asked. "Please, tell us!"

"Oh please," Petunia retorted as he blew smoke upwards. "You've lived in in New New York all your life; don't you know a drag queen when you see one?" "Looking back at April he smiled. "Go ahead have a seat."

"Thank you." April sat down and the others all got a good look at him. He had the right body that, padded in the right places could look passably feminine. But his Goth outfit was less provocative than usual; he wore a choker to hide his Adam's apple, and wore more makeup than usual, to hide his beard shadow. "Is the professor any closer to finding a way to change us back yet?"

"Fraid not," Scruffy replied.

April moaned. "I can't stay like this! I have to shave three times a day and wear more makeup than usual just to pass as female, and my body odor's worse. Did I lose all that weight for this?"

"Least you ain't going through what this gals here are," Petunia sniggered. Seeing Aprils' confused look, he added, "It's that time of the month."

"I'd go through it every day, if only I could be a woman again," April groaned. "I even started taken hormones ;last week, and I checked with the doctor to see how they were doing-and my body completely rejected them! I just pissed all that estrogen away!"

Petunia crushed his cigarette and lit another. "Well, I guess that mean's one option's closed to us."

* * *

"Here's the variety of earth mushroom spores you ordered," Fry told the drow matron who sat before her, Leela, and bender on a strange spiderlike throne. "Plus those growth hormones for those underground yaks you breed."

"They're called _rothe,_ the drow replied. She was tall with taught, graceful muscles much like Leela had before their encounter with the rock alien. Her long slim features were accented by pointed ears poking through her thick mane of white hair that contrasted sharply with ebony black skin. All around in the room stood other drow natives of Lolth 5, as well as slaves of various species.

The drow completely ignored Leela and Bender; robots of any kind were slaves on Lolth 5, and as the drow were a very strict matriarchal society, they assumed Fry was the one in charge. The bizarre irony was not lost on Leela.

Still being ignored allowed him to observe the rest of the room. They were in the chamber of an estate carved deep into a stalagmite in a cave thousands and thousands of miles underground. The drow lived deep below the surface of their home world and only rarely ventured out into the surface, usually at night.

They were also highly xenophobic; any offworlders they happened to find on the surface of Lolth 5 they would immediately enslave; all throughout the city and on this estate Leela had seen humans, Amphibiosans, Decapodians, Neptunians, Cygnoids, and even Amazonians and Omicronians in chains doing all sorts of onerous and menial labor. Any attempt to rescue them by DOOP military would have been futile, for the drow lived below the surface and they could annihilate any force that made its way through the winding and twisting caverns.

"Now of course, you must stay for dinner with us," the matron continued. "After all, you did come down all the way from the surface; the least we could do is show you our hospitality."

Before Fry could answer, Leela spoke up. "Oh pardon me, great matron," he said trying to keep sarcasm out of his voice, "if I, a mere male speak out of turn. But we have one more delivery to complete, and then our schedule demands we return to Earth immediately."

"Ah, so regrettable," the matron, whose name was Yvonna Fendre. Regardless of their reputation the drow certainly didn't lack for manners. "I was so looking forward to conversing with the lot of you; I quite enjoy conversing with offworlders."

As soon as she finished speaking another drow female, one who wore a white coat tinged with red that marked her as a scientist. "Matron Mother I regret to inform you, that an ion storm is approaching." Leela blanched an ion storm could disrupt the ship's circuitry, setting it adrift. "Our best estimation indicates that it will surround Lolth 5 for several days."

"What a pity." Matron Yvonna looked back at Fry and Leela. "It seems you'll have to stay here awhile after all."

* * *

The Pierrot Romance publishing company was located on the third floor of a building a small walk away from the Conrads' home. Hermes and LaBarbara came just after finishing their lunch; as Hermes had called and told the Professor she would be back late.

An alien woman of unknown species led the Conrads to the Editor in Chief's office. Opening the door, she said "Mrs. Tipton, that new applicant is here."

"Very well, let him in."

Mrs. Tipton was a tall, handsome woman in her late forty's whose red hair was edged with gray and wore horn rimmed glasses on the edge of her nose. "Hello. You must be that man Wendy told me about."

"Yes. LeBron Conrad," LaBarbara said. "And this is my hu-er wife Hermione."

Mrs. Tipton nodded to Hermes, then looked at LaBarbara. "Take of your shirt."

"What?"

"Take it off." Mrs. Tipton took off her glasses and chewed on the ear hook. "Mr. Conrad, it's not as if I'm asking you to strip naked. Nearly half our covers show a man either with his shirt open or without it altogether."

"Very well." LaBarbara took off his shirt, showing his well-muscled ebony torso. The romance editor circled him once, twice, three times, looking LaBarbara from head to toe. "Not bad, not bad. Now let's see you pose with your wife."

LaBarbara next practiced a series of poses, kissing Hermes, holding her shoulder affectionately, laying down on the floor with her, and even unbuttoning her blouse. "Good, good," said Mrs. Tipton. "Tell me, can you start work tomorrow?"

"Certainly," said LaBarbara, then dropped his voice to a whisper. "Would it be all right if Hermi comes to the photo-shoots? She gets-ah, kind of jealous."

"But of course."

The Conrads walked out of the office. "Oh, excuse me," a Caribbean accented voice said. The Conrads turned and stared. "Barbados Slim?" Hermes exclaimed.

"Do I know you, little woman?" Slim replied in that haughty, arrogant tone of his.

"Uh-no. I just remember seeing you the Sports Illustrated issues."

"Yes, well, I needed some money so I work here part time as a cover model."

"Oh, well, me too," said LaBarbara. "I mean, I just got hired now."

"Oh good. Be glad to see you around." Barbados then entered the office.

Hermes and LaBarbara walked out the office building. "What are you thinking about, LaBarbara?" Hermes asked.

"Oh, nothing," LaBarbara lied.

"I can't believe you're going to be working with that guy," Hermes muttered bitterly.

"Relax," LaBarbara said. "I won't be posing with him; Pierrot doesn't cater to that sort of reader. I just looked at him and I-I felt nothing." Ever since she had met him, the sight of Barbados Slim's perfectly sculpted, well-muscled mahogany skinned body could take LaBarbara's breath away, even during their marriage when she was crushed by his constant infidelity. But just now-"I felt nothing," LaBarbara repeated, more to himself that to Hermes. He wrapped his arm around Hermes's waist. "C'mon, we need to go rend register you for Lamaze class."

_Okay, sorry I took so long to update; I work two jobs. Anyway, I always figured that LaBarbara's marriage to Barbados likely ended because frankly, he doesn't strike me as the type who can stick to one woman while Hermes on the other hand would be a faithful husband._

_Next chapter LaBarbara's new job gets underway, while Fry, Leela, and Bender find danger on the Lolth 5. And guess who's in the kitchen with Scruffy?_


	6. Chapter 6

Hi, the author has asked me Linda Van Schoonhooven to report to you his apology for taking so long to update; he works two jobs and has very little time to write. He also doesn't own the characters or the Futurama franchise, and isn't making any money so suing him would be a waste.

Fry swept the blade of the razor up and down over Leela's hard, muscular chest. "Not that I don't enjoy this," she said as she wiped away the excess soap and hair from Leela's manly abdominals, "but why do you insist I shave your chest? I, mean, there were times I wished I had chest hair like this."

"You'd look awfully silly if you did now," Leela said dryly. He looked down at his chest and sighed; even without the hair it was still a man's chest not a woman's.

He and Fry were in the room Matron Fendre had given them. It was a small but luxurious grotto carved out of the wall of the monstrous cave that enclosed the entire drow city. The bed was a mattress stuffed with the feathers of a flightless bird that dwelt in Lolth 5's underground caves and covered with blankets of _rothe_ hair and sheets made from spider silk. The vanity and chairs were made of a finely lacquered woody fungus, and the mirror was brightly polished silver.

Technically Bender was sharing the room too but wasn't there at the moment. The drow knew how to use the strange radiation on Lolth 4 to animate stone statues and program them like robots. One of them, shaped like a very curvesome drow woman, caught Bender's eye, and the two of them had gone off to do something Leela didn't really want to know.

Fry kept running her fingers over Leela's bulging muscles, her fingertips rasping on dark-purplish chest stubble. Despite a man's pectorals being far less sensitive than a woman's breasts, Leela felt himself getting aroused. "I'm actually jealous, Leela. You've got such broad shoulders, a full six pack and a square jaw-," Suddenly Fry stopped, and looked as if she was about to cry.

"Fry, what's wrong?" Leela asked.

"It's just-you look manlier than I ever did," Fry moaned. "Before I was all scrawny except for a slight pot belly, I had hardly any body hair, and I only had to shave three times a month." _Oh God, she's going through mood swings,_ Leela thought, then started when he felt Fry's hand _there._ "Even this is bigger than mine was."

"If I could give it to you I would," Leela muttered under his breath.

Suddenly Fry giggled and stared straight into Leela's eye. "Oh there is a way you can give it to me," she grinned, and Leela couldn't help but notice how beautiful Fry's eye's looked with mascara, eye shadow, and long curly feminine eyelashes. "And don't quote that regulation at me. I checked and it only applies when we're in space. What we do when we're on planet is entirely our own business. And I know you want to. _This_," and Leela felt Fry's hand _there_ again, "never lies."

Fry was right, Leela thought, and didn't argue when she kissed him. He kissed her back, long and hard, thrusting his tongue deep into her mouth as she pulled down his pants.

Suddenly he broke away, the sensible rational side of him taking over for a moment. "You have been taking your pills, haven't you?"

"Yes Daddy," Fry gave that girlish giggle and pouted. "I've been a good girl."

"Not that good, I hope," said Leela as he tore off Fry's halter top then her bra. Fry's breasts, full and plump were hanging before him Leela felt himself get even harder, and in the back of his mind the part of him that wanted to be a woman again screamed that he was becoming a slave to the testosterone coursing through his body. But for the moment as he began nibbling Fry's left breast, Leela simply did not care.

* * *

LaBarbara looked at himself in the dressing room mirror, admiring the fully sculpted, well-muscled male body staring back at him. _Who needs Barbados Slim? _he thought as he flexed his chest, making his pectorals wiggle. _I _am _my own mahogany god! _he chortled, amused at his brief male vanity.

He put his shirt back on. Realizing that wearing the skin tight pants and high heels looked silly on a man, LaBarbara had taken to dressing in a male version of his female self's usual style: red tank top, knee length camouflage shorts, and men's sandals. He looked at himself, nodded again, and stepped outside.

A slender woman of some octopus like race LaBarbara didn't know, with a tag printed _Els_a pinned to the lapel of her plaid blazer was waiting outside. "Come right this way, Mr. Conrad." LaBarbara nearly turned his head to look for Hermes then realized she meant him. "It's time to meet the other models photographers whom you'll be working with."

The alien woman led LaBarbara through a maze of cubicle to a large room where several people were standing around. About the room were various models of camera and what looked like eight people sitting around reading manuscripts. "Alright everyone," the octopus woman called out, "this is our new part-time model LeBron Conrad. LeBron, I believe you've already met Barbados Slim," and she indicated the tall bald and muscular Caribbean. Here is also Bolt Rollins," she pointed to a barrel chested red haired Norwegian, "Umberto Tolima," a slender but well-muscled Italian, "and Rueben Mann," a similarly built Israeli.

"And here," she added, are the ladies. Mindy Shinwell," and a petite freckle faced redhead winked at LaBarbara-"Olga Christianson,"-a statuesque Swede-"and Monique Baristide,"-a milk-chocolate complexioned Haitian woman with full sensual lips and an ample hourglass figure. "Everyone," she added, now addressing the other models, "This is LeBron Conrad, who'll be modeling part time here."

All of the models went up to shake LaBarbara's hand. "I remember you," Barbados said-strange, LaBarbara thought to have their hands nearly the same size now. "Aren't you the mon who was here yesterday with that dumpy little tub of a woman?"

"Yes." LaBarbara squeezed, and felt a small tingle of satisfaction when his former spouse winced. He shook hands with the other men, then the women. All three of the latter smiled.

"I really look forward to working with you," said the Haitian girl Monique, and LaBarbara thought he saw her thrust the top of her shirt at him, but dismissed it as his imagination.

"All right," said the alien woman. "Now, it's time for us to get back to work. Here," and she handed LaBarbara a small sack of papers. "Here at Pierrot, we have our models read the manuscripts for the novel which cover they'll be posing for."

LaBarbara glanced and saw _Love Pirates of the Caribbean-Grog Wench's Chest _printed in bold on the title page. "Sounds risqué."

"Oh it is," replied Elsa. "I've already read it and decided that you and Dominique," and the Haitian woman walked up and smiled, "would be a good pair for the cover."

Dominique smiled, and winked. "I look forward to working with you, LeBron."

* * *

Hermes was glad the obstetrician examining her was a woman; she didn't like the idea of a man other than LaBarbara probing in _there. _"How does it look?"

"Oh you're doing fine," she replied. "Amazing, it's just amazing. I was one of those doctors who looked at Cahill after she, err, he got turned into a man." The obstetrician grinned. "I got a _very_ good look, in fact." Hermes decided not to ask her about that examination.

The doctor got up and looked Hermes straight in the face. "I must confess if I hadn't, and didn't know about your-situation-I'd never have believed that you were a man. I've just looked at a perfectly normal, middle aged woman's vagina." The doctor then sighed. "I'm sorry-I've forgotten my bedside manners. I bet these past few weeks have been very confusing for you."

"You don't know the half of it," Hermes sighed. "What about-the baby?"

The doctor looked at a CAT scanner screen. "By all the signs, your baby are perfectly normal Despite being older than most first time mothers you are in relatively good health, and for a woman of your physique-,"

"You mean I'm fat?" Hermes could feel tears starting to well up in her, despite being how silly it was. Being overweight had never gotten to Hermes like this as a man but now it seemed she'd start to cry at the slightest mention. _C'mon mon, control yourself,_ her mind screamed at her.

"No no-let me explain," the doctor said. "I mean, for you, giving birth should be a lot easier than it would be for a thinner woman-you have fairly wide hips that are perfect for a baby to pass through with a minimum of discomfort. In fact, fat women have far fewer pregnancy problems and are less likely to suffer from ill effects due to pregnancy than most, did you know? Men though-they want thin." She snorted and shook her head.

"That's good to hear," said Hermes, remembering a female LaBarbara giving birth to Dwight and crying out in pain-_she _had insisted on natural childbirth with no drugs involved-and tearing off Hermes's shirt. Hermes shivered, and resolved that when the time came to give birth, she'd do whatever it took to minimize the pain as much as possible without harming the child. Then she had another memory-of holding newborn Dwight, then handing him over to a weary and smiling LaBarbara. _Now it's going to happen again, only LaBarbara and I will be in each other's shoes,_ she thought.

"What's the matter?"

"Nothing," said Hermes as she wiped away a tear that had fallen down her cheek-then another. Then another. She kept wiping her face as she continued to weep. "I'm just so _HAPPY _right now."

* * *

A couple floors up from where Hermes was being examined, Amy and Kiff were approaching another room. "So how long do you have to keep reporting on Zapp's condition?" Amy asked. Right after Leela had beaten up Zapp Brannigan for killing the Borax Kid, Zapp had been taken right to the Taco Bellevue hospital and hadn't been released yet; by what was said he'd be bedridden for quite some time

"Until the fatso recovers," Kiff sighed. "Truth is the main reason DOOP high command isn't pressing charges for assault is that many of his superiors feel it's what the moron deserves, for all the crews he's lost and the missions he bungled."

"If that's so, how come Zapp hasn't been kicked out?" Amy asked. In Amy's experience, Zapp Brannigan was the absolute WORST captain in the history of space travel and had lost so many battles and won trivial victories at such great cost it was a wonder he hadn't gotten the firing squad. From what Kiff had let drop, the crew of the Nimbus was jubilant that he was gone from the scene, even if only temporarily.

"His family's wealthy and well connected," Kiff explained. "The asshole has too much idiotic pride to ask them for help himself; that's why we were stranded on the street the one time we were both kicked out of DOOP."

Before Kiff could rant any further, the door opened and out stepped an Amphibosan woman in a business suit and carrying a briefcase. "Oh hello Kiff," she said.

Kiff said "Hello Kyella," and Amy recognized Kiff's cousin who he'd met at a Kroker Clan reunion a couple of years ago. She was a little taller than Kiff with a grayish green complexion and was quite attractive by her specie's standards "What are you doing here?"

Kyella rolled her eyes and assumed an expression like Kiff did when talking about Zapp. "The fat lady's in there."

Seeing Amy's puzzled expression, Kiff explained, "Kyella is the personal assistant to Zelda Brannigan the CEO and president of Aurora cosmetics-who also happens to be Zapp's sister."

"I suppose you're here to check up on him." Kyella lit up a cigarette and looked back at the door. "Don't wait for her to come out, the drama queen's been watching over him going on about how she'll spare no expense to find out who did that to her brother and paid me to look-although Zapp's enemies paid me even more to keep quiet over the whole thing." A small grin came over her green face. "Don't tell Zelda I said that."

Stepping into the room, the two saw Zapp Brannigan sprawled out on the hospital bed head to toe in a body cast, the only openings for his eyes and two holes for his nostrils. Standing over him weeping was an immaculately dressed large blonde woman who could only have been Zapp's sister.

Zelda Brannigan sobbed. "Oh Zapp, who could have done this to you?"

Kiff went up to the diminutive Chihuahua-like doctor standing opposite from the woman. "For how long will he be bed-ridden, doctor?"

"For another three weeks," the doctor said. "Personally, _senor,_ I'm amazed that he has been injured as far as possible without suffering life threatening or permanent damage. He is conscious, and I'm sure he understands what we are saying, judging by the way his eyes respond when I talk to him. The man who did this to him must have amazing strength yet a good deal of self-control."

_Actually, it took me, LaBarbara, and Bender all to hold back Leela back after we saw Zapp was getting beaten too hard, _Amy thought uneasily. Leela had been fairly strong as a woman but since becoming a man was now _freakishly _strong, nearly as strong as Bender in fact. Turning male had made Amy stronger too but not to the degree it had Leela.

"Jealous, that's what they are," Zelda Brannigan said to no one in particular. "Jealous, of my brother's illustrious record, so those mucky-mucks in DOOP high command must have hired some thugs to do this. When I find out who they are-oh, how they'll pay!"

She went on like this for quite some time, about what she'd do to the people who'd injured Zapp when she'd learned their identities. Then she stopped, and looked at the newcomers. "Oh, hello Kiff," she said. "And who's this fine young hunk of man in pink?"

Amy felt he had to fight to keep from blushing. Despite Kyella's disparaging term _the fat lady _Zelda Brannigan was not unattractive-she had a pleasant round face with very full lips, and her eyes were blue like sapphires. She _was_ plump but mainly in the chest and hips which were shaped just right, and her curly mid length blonde hair was styled right to compliment her round rosy cheeks. Looked at from the right angle, one could say she was quite beautiful. _Stop it,_ Amy told himself. _Hasn't your libido gotten you into enough trouble? Besides, she probably has a huge belly that she hides underneath a girdle like her brother. _With as straight a face he could manage Amy let out, "Amos Wong."

"Amos Wong." Zelda said the name as if she tasted it in her mouth. "Of the Mars Wongs?"

"I'm-related to them, yes," Amy said.

"Oh my, look at the time." Zelda glanced at a very expensive-looking wristomojack that she had on her left wrist. "I really must be going. Ta ta."

She exited the room leaving the doctor, Amy, and Kiff. "We need a few moments alone with him," said Kiff. The doctor nodded, and exited the room right after Zelda.

Kiff and Amy stood at the foot of Zapp's hospital bed. "All right Zapp," said Kiff with a small smile. "We know you can comprehend us, so Amy and the others at Planet Express want to make a little deal with you."

Amy touched a button on the wristmojack on his wright arm. A hologram appeared of the Planet Express crew and passengers standing before the Borax Kid. The Kid's hands were starting to glow-then the strange rock alien exploded, and Zapp floated down through the hole in the PE building roof, blowing to cool the barrel of his pistol.

Amy froze the hologram. "It's like this, Captain Brannigan-you don't report that Leela was the one who put you in that body cast, and we don't show this to DOOP high command. How do you think it will look if they have proof that you had attacked and killed an unknown alien without making certain of its intent or danger? And trust me, because of your actions, a whole lot of people are stuck in the wrong gender, likely for life-including me, whose parents are _very _wealthy and influential." It was impossible to make out any expression, yet Amy though he saw a slight but noticeable nod.

* * *

LaBarbara found he was really getting into the story he was assigned to pose for; it was somewhat risqué yet still tasteful and romantic without vulgar language or private parts jokes. "Say, you really like this," said Monique from across the table they were sitting.

"Why's that so-," LaBarbara started to ask then remembered he was a HE. "I mean, is it really strange for a man to like a love story?"

"Oh, I've known a few men who read them," Monique giggled, "but they'd never admit it in public; they think it somehow threatens their manhood."

"That's a silly thing to think," said LaBarbara-although Hermes would never be seen reading novel like the ones Pierrot published either. "I mean, love is part of life; why should only women enjoy tales that celebrate it?"

"Really?" Monique's eyelashes fluttered. "I never met a man who puts it the way you do."

"Thanks," said LaBarbara, who then looked back at the manuscript. "What scene do you think would be good for the cover? I think this one on page 32, were Anton and Diana are on the deck of the ship and lean leaning back against the rail-."

"Actually," Monique leaned in closer, "I prefer the one on page 64."

LaBarbara turned the pages, and found the one Monique mentioned. "The dungeon scene?"

"Yes." Monique raised her finely drawn on penciled eyebrows. "If you like we can practice at my apartment-I've even got the chains and whips and shackles," and her hand slid across the top and touched his.

_Sweet almighty Jah!_ Sweat ran down LaBarbara's neck. _She's coming on to me! _He took a couple of short breaths then looked straight at Monique. "Listen, I'm flattered, but I'm married. _Happily _married."

"Don't worry I won't let that stop you." Monique's smile got wider, and LaBarbara's heart was beating faster; he hadn't thought about what to do in this kind of situation. "Look, you're a very pretty woman, and I'm sure you make a lot of men happy. But I'm not like most men."

"Oh, I'd love to find out how," Monique laughed.

Trying to figure a way to reply, LaBarbara looked to the door-and saw a short rotund black woman enter. "Hermi!" He stood up and walked over to his female husband. "Hermi how was the doctor's visit?"

"Oh, it was fine; the doctor says the baby-," Hermes was stopped in midsentence as LaBarbara planted a long, passionate kiss on her mouth. "LeBar-LeBron! Why are you in such a romantic mood?"

"Oh it, ah, just the atmosphere of this place." LaBarbara looked over at Elsa. "Is it all right if I take the rest of the day off? I want to spend some time with the woman here."

"Go right ahead," relied the octopus woman. "Just remember to take your manuscript and have it read all the way through by tomorrow."

LaBarbara nodded then walked over to where he'd been sitting. As he picked up the manuscript, he leaned over and whispered to Monique, "Look woman, I'm willing to pose with you for pictures. But it begins and ends there. No hanky-panky or behind the scenes stuff. Got it?" Not waiting for a reply, he turned and walked out the door with Hermes.

"What is this all about?" asked Hermes as they walked out to the street.

"Just that I want be with you right now." LaBarbara kissed Hermes again and squeezed her left butt cheek. Man or woman Hermes was round and plump but at the moment she was the sexiest thing LaBarbara could think of. Even the way she wiggled as LaBarbara squeezed her felt sensual.

"Excuse me for a moment." Hermes touched her wristmojac and a hologram of Professor Farnsworth's head appeared. "Hello Professor? I'd like to take the rest of the day off. Don't worry about the paperwork, I've already have it done for two weeks in advance."

* * *

"You look like a dominatrix," Leela muttered as Fry modeled the gown Matron Fendre had given her for tonight's feast. It was a black and gray spider silk gown with the sequined skirt slit to the thigh on both sides and short in the front, almost like a long loin cloth. The upper half was a sleeveless turtleneck and long black gloves reached up to Fry's elbows.

Fry only fluttered her eyelashes and kissed Leela on the cheek. "Why Leela, you say the sweetest things!" She then added, "Besides, if they let me keep it I'll let you have it when we get changed back."

Leela snorted. "It'd probably pinch my chest."

Unperturbed, Fry just kissed Leela again. "Then we'll get it fitted. Besides, you'll look lovely in this-once you're female again. Now, I'd die laughing."

The thought actually made Leela snort. Fry was glad; Leela was gloomy and depressed too much lately. True, he had good reason to be but he looked so much better when he laughed. "And you don't look bad with what you've got on now."

"I look like an exotic dancer in a cheap ladies club," Leela tried to speak dryly but there was laughter in his voice. He wore tight black speedos and leggings, no shirt, a black silk vest lined with cloth of gold-attire for a drow noblewoman's male companion,in other words, a male sex slave.

"Aren't we forgetting something?" Fry held up what looked like a black dog collar. Leela groaned, but said nothing as Fry attached it around his neck. "I'm sorry, but we are guests, and rules say any male who's not of a noble house has to wear a leash collar on occasions like this."

"All my life I've had to put up with and been demeaned by male chauvinism, on Earth and other planets," Leela muttered. "Then I get turned into a man, and now I'm stuck on a world where it's just the opposite only ten times worse!"

"I don't see why you're so upset," Bender was leaning up against the bedroom wall and smoking a cigar. "At least you two get to sit at the main table next to Fendre and all those other drow mucky-mucks. _I've _got to sit at the slave's table."

"Sorry Bender, but that's the rules. You know robots are considered slaves here," Fry said apologetically, then turned back to Leela. "And tell me that if you were still a woman and I a man and we were stuck here, you wouldn't be enjoying this. Look me in the eye and tell me that." Leela looked down, and Fry knew she'd scored a point off him.

Not wanting Leela depressed, Fry added, "Cheer up. You sure look a lot better than I ever would with my scrawny arms and jelly belly."

"I liked your jelly belly," Leela said. "Okay, c'mon, it's only a couple of hours, and we got to get her majesty looking good tonight for the evening."

"Sure thing, my prince," Fry laughed. She'd put Leela in a good mood and that made her happy. Sitting down in the chair, she felt a thrill as Leela brushed her hair, then tied it back into a ponytail with a black silk scrunchy and started doing her makeup. She'd learned how to do much of this herself but it always felt better-almost sexual-when Leela did it.

* * *

"Ah the baked chicken's just about done," Petunia said.

"Good," replied Scruffy. Scruffy ran a small catering business as well as being the Planet Express janitor which, right after the Planet Express calendar was sent out, was hired by New New York Mayor Poopenmeyer to cater for the mayor's daughter's wedding. Such an event was too big for Scruffy to handle alone, so Petunia agreed to help her out. "Thanks, Petunia."

Anytime, sugar." Petunia took out a cigarette and lit. "Truth is this wedding will be a good chance for me to find some new clients. Plenty of rich ladies, and some of them are bound to be lonely and lookin' for some 'company.'"

"How's that going, by the way?" Scruffy asked.

"Real good. Better than you'd expect." Petunia took out his cigarette and took a drag. "Having been a woman I know what pleases one. And I don't want sound like I'm braggin' but I do make a fine lookin' man." That was true, Scruffy realized. Petunia was handsome, in a thin, fine boned

way; the hoop earrings he still wore and the thin mustache he'd grown gave him a rakish, almost piratical air. He even managed to still use his old hand and facial expressions without seeming effeminate.

Still she added, "You looked good the other way."

Petunia chuckled. "Kind of you to say so, but I ain't blind. I was getting' old and my looks were goin.' I was pretty much scrapping the bottom of the barrel, taking guys who simply couldn't afford better, and I don't think I could have lasted much longer. But age looks better on me as a man, and I'm getting wealthier customers and more business than I ever did." He sidled up to Scruffy and smiled. "And what I said earlier about about knowin' what pleases a woman, how'd you like to find out?"

"_WHAT?"_

Petunia chuckled. "You are a pretty gal, especially now that you lost those whiskers. Besides, it's not like we never did it before, is it." Which was true, Scruffy had been a client of Petunia's, back when she was a he and Petunia a she.

Scruffy found herself breathing hard. "Scruffy wants to be a man again."

"I don't blame you. Right nice not having to put up with that time of the month or worrying about cellulite or menopause. But still, wouldn't you like to experience it as a woman at least once? And don't worry, I was infertile before and I checked and found I'm sterile now. Real boon in my line of work."

Various emotions flooded through Scruffy's head as she felt herself go wet between the legs. Men had tried to come on to her before; the first few times she'd turn and show her mustache which sent them running. After that fell out she'd blurt out that she used to be man, which had a similar effect. But now, she couldn't think of anything. Nor she realized did she want to.

She did stammer, "I don't-I don't have the money-,"

"Oh this ain't business," said Petunia as he unzipped Scruffy's jacket, pulled off her shirt and undid her bra. "This is _pleasure_."

* * *

"This is an outrage!" Monique Baristide shouted in the ladies dressing room at Pierrot Romance. "I meet a Caribbean Adonis and he snubs me for that tub!"

"You're just upset because for once a man actually turned you down." Olga Christianson was smiling as she said that; Monique had stolen several of her boyfriends.

"Really, I'd have expected the next Ice Age to happen before that ever did," replied Mindy Shinwell. "I mean, you've gotten gay men to go to bed with you!"

"He can't be happy with her!" Monique snarled. "Why would a man like LeBron be with that cow when he could have any woman he pleased."

"She's not that fat," replied Olga. "Besides, they seemed pretty affectionate."

"Maybe he's just one of those guys who like pudgy women," added Mindy. "My brother's like that; he's gorgeous yet all his girlfriends weighed over two hundred and fifty pounds."

"What you gonna do?" taunted Olga. "Make yourself a fatso just so you might get a chance with him?"

"Oh shut up," said Monique. As she calmed down, she started to think _he's playing hard to get, that must be it. Okay, I go along. Eventually I'll get him. No man can refuse me for long. No man._

End of chapter 6

_Okay, as Linda told you in the disclaimer I work two jobs; that's why it took so long to update. Hopefully the next chapter won't take so long but I can't make any promises._

_About Scruffy and Petunia: I always thought they'd make an interesting pair; maybe it's their voices. Quite a few times in Futurama it's implied Petunia practices the world's oldest profession, while in the episode _Ghost in the Machines_ Scruffy is shown to run a catering business on the side._

_The drow of Lolth 5 are modeled on those from Dungeons and Dragons. In D&D the drow are a race of elves that live underground in a matriarchal society built around the cult of their goddess Lolth. Although quite sophisticated they are for the most part sadistic and cruel with little regard for others. In the next chapter you will see the banquets scene and disaster happens to all three-especially to Leela, concerning a group of Amazonian slave-guards. _


	7. Chapter 7

Hello there, it's me Fry telling Matt Groening and the others who created Futurama that the guy who's writing this is not getting paid for it, so don't bother suing him. Of course, because he's not getting paid, that means I'm not either-plus I have to be a girl for this story. God does my life suck.

Chapter 7

"Oh don't look so gloomy, Leela," giggled Fry as they followed a young drow about Cubert's age, supposedly one of Matron Fendre's own grandsons, through the caverns to the Fendre estate's dining hall. All though there were no electric lights, a strange luminous fungus lined the rock walls, making it brighter than the sewers under New New York.

"You're dragging me on a leash," muttered Leela; a silvery-chain lead was clipped to the collar around his neck. "How am I supposed to look?"

"You could cheer up a little," Fry smiled as she kissed him on the cheek. "After all, we're guests at a banquet. How often does that happen when we go on a delivery?"

"Only because of an ion storm." Leela tried to frown but it was hard to when Fry was being affectionate like this. It was true; with Matron Fendre's permission he had gone to where they docked the Planet Express ship and checked the instruments. Ion storms were frequent on Lolth 4; they had caused numerous ships to crash on the planet-and survivors to become slaves of the drow natives.

"Besides, we're the matron's honored guests," Fry continued, holding the small gold medallion with the seal of House Fendre around her neck. Leela and Bender wore similar items only silver. They symbolized how the trio was under the protection of House Fendre, and that anyone who harmed them would have to answer to the House's Matron.

Several other guests and members of House Fendre walked the caverns with them. Tall statuesque drow women led shorter, diminutive males on leashes much like Fry did Leela. A few female drow also led human or Neptunian men on leashes as well. Much of the time they would stroke the males' heads or pat their sides as if the males were their pets-or slap or scold them, or lash them with multi-headed energy whips that so many drow women carried on their waists. And the male drow with non-drow female companions were likewise just as abusive or demeaning to them-if anything even more so; the drow matrons would not tolerate a male who did such to a drow female yet apparently didn't care in the slightest what males did to females of other species.

Memories flooded back to Leela when he was a she and with the Eco-Feministas under Frieda Waterfall. _I wonder what she'd think if she saw this, _Leela thought. They had talked about the drow at times, and Frieda insisted that the stories about the drow's cruelty had to be male chauvinist propaganda or man-formation as she called it; that a home grown matriarchal society would be gentle and benign. Sadly everything Leela had seen seemed to prove Frieda dreadfully wrong_. Heck_, _I wonder how she'd act if _this _happened to her._ Leela tried to imagine Frieda as a man, and the image was enough to lift him out of his gloom

The page boy showed them around the corner, to a large lawn just outside the Fendre estate. A huge piece of the luminous fungus nearly as big as a tree stood at the center of the lawn lighted the area as bright as a starry night. "The matron's honored guests Phyllis J Fry, her consort Turanga Leo, and the robot Bender Bending Rodriguez," an Amphibosan slave chained by the ankle to the doorway announced. Another drow boy, who looked slightly older than the page leading them, escorted Bender to the table where other robots were sitting. Fry and Leela continued to the table next to the fungus tree; Matron Yvonna Fendre rose to greet her guests.

"Come, sit," she beckoned as a drow male-one of Fendre's sons-pulled out a chair for Fry to sit. No one pulled one for Leela, he had to pull out his own and sit next to Fry. As the matron seated herself again, she smiled at Fry. "I do hope you're prepared for a long night; I do so enjoy conversing with off-worlders.

* * *

Scruffy looked at herself in the full length mirror again, trying to see something of her old self in the reflection. Before she could, even after she lost her mustache. But then she had been wearing her usual janitor's clothes; now she was wearing a grey blazer and slacks with a white blouse-a businesswoman's variation of her janitor's attire-and she wasn't wearing her usual cap. On most catering jobs she'd wear chef's clothing but Petunia suggested that wouldn't be appropriate for the mayor's daughter's wedding. For a big gala she'd need to look professional and business like.

Scruffy hoped by wearing pants instead of a skirt she wouldn't look so feminine. No such luck, the slacks showed her wide curves and the blazer did little to conceal her full bosom. She hadn't wanted to wear makeup yet Petunia insisted it was necessary-pink lipstick, light blush and clear nail polish. Petunia had done it and brushed her hair too. This wedding reception was the biggest job Scruffy's catering business had had so far, and could likely lead to more in the future. Up till now the catering had just been a hobby and Scruffy was content to simply be the Planet Express janitor. But now that her business might have a chance to expand Scruffy knew she'd have to make a good impression, and that included appearance-more so for a woman than a man, as she was finding out firsthand.

The door behind Scruffy opened, and in walked Petunia, dressed like a matreedee. "All right, I and the others have got everything set up, and then we dressed up." he said, taking a drag on his cigarette. He blew out a smoke ring then took a long look at Scruffy. "You sure look different now dressed like that."

Scruffy touched the top of her dark blonde hair. "My head feels naked without my cap."

"Well, you can't wear it for something like this," Petunia said, then pointed over to the vanity where a wide brimmed brown lady's hat lay. "I gave you that to go with the rest of the outfit."

_Why am I letting him boss me around? _Scruffy wondered as Petunia picked up the hat and placed it on her head. _Is it because I let Petunia in my honey pot last night?_ No, that wasn't it, Scruffy realized. If her business was to grow, she'd need to interact with her customers. And since she didn't really know how to interact as a woman she needed Petunia to teach her. Petunia handed Scruffy her purse and she looked back in the mirror. True she was dressed in the same colors she usually wore but saw no trace of the man she'd been.

"Ya look like a business lady out to start a day's work," Petunia quipped. Scruffy just grunted.

They walked out to the backyard of Mayor Poopenmeyer's estate, where two tables lined with food waiting to be served were placed. Standing between them were a fat middle aged woman and thin young man with piercings in his nose, eyebrow, and upper lip; both were dressed similar to Petunia. And both had problems adjusting to their new genders that got them fired form their previous jobs.

"Hey Scruffy," the fat woman asked. "How comes yous gets to wears pants, while I've gots to wear this skirt?"

"Scruffy had to order them outfits on short notice," Scruffy replied. "Ain't my fault when the design computer read 'gender,' it gave you a skirt 'stead of pants." Although Sal Cavetti was as fat as a woman as when she'd been a man seeing her in the feminine serving outfit along with her face in modest makeup and her brown hair tied back in a bun Scruffy hardly recognized her. She was even wearing perfume, likely to cover up her B.O. problem. "Maybe after this, I'll get you one with slacks."

"Wish you'd let me wear a skirt," muttered the young man.

"Doing so got you fired from your last job," Scruffy pointed out.

"They knew I was a woman before I took that trip; I still am a woman inside," April grumbled. "Why'd they insist I come to work dressed like a man?"

"You'll have to ask them next time you see them." Scruffy was not unsympathetic, yet she had to get started-the wedding ceremony would be over soon, and the party would be coming here for the reception. "As for here, this is the mayor's daughter's wedding. You imagine the scandal it would cause if you were in drag and got exposed? How you dress in your off time is your business, but for work since you have the body of a man, dress like a man." April looked sullen, then nodded. "Good. Now, get ready to start servin', Scruffy hears hover cars comin. That means the wedding party has arrived."

* * *

The food was good, Leela had to admit. Whatever cooks Matron Fendre employed certainly knew how to make _rothe _meat tender and delectable, while the other courses sounded disgusting yet were quite delicious: bread made from mushroom spores; wine fermented from some strange fungus found under rocks; mushrooms prepared in a variety of ways; there were even these strange blind cave fish that seemed to melt in Leela's mouth.

Most of the drow ignored Leela; to the drow females his single eye, talons growing out of his elbows and shoulders, and bulging muscles made him hideous. The male drow for the most part were small and diminutive and the females seemed to prefer them that way.

Right behind them watching over the matron's table was a _huge _exception: Gomorph Fendre, the matron's youngest son. Nearly eight feet tall and bulging with muscle, Gomorph was his mother's bodyguard. Yvonna Fendre herself had a small male drow on a leash next to her that looked kind of similar to Gomorph; Leela idly wondered if he was Gomorph's father.

Here and there, drow females bared breasts or lifted up skirts for their male companions to suckle. Strangely none of the males with female companions of other species used them in a like manner-although sometimes they'd strike them. The female drow just seem to ignore what they were doing.

Fry was in animated conversation with Matron Fendre, giving a modified account of her adventures since awaking the 31st century. "So you're one of those humans who've had themselves frozen centuries ago and awakened in the present?" Fendre asked.

"Yeah," said Fry. "Although in my case it was kind of an accident." She smiled at the Cyclops next to her. "That's where I met Leel-, uh, Leo here." Leela blushed as he felt Fry touch his face affectionately.

"Really." The drow matron looked at Leela with distaste. "I understand that you humans tend to prefer your males big and well-muscled. What would you say to a night with Gomorph?"

Fry looked at the gigantic male drow and had to suppress a shudder. She truly felt no desire to be with any man besides Leela, yet even if she did the prospect of doing it with this one frightened her; not only did he look as if he could break her in two the look in his eyes said he would _enjoy _doing such. "I ah, don't think he'd fit into me," she finally said.

Fendre cackled at Fry's remark. "You're probably right; the only females we have he can lay with are the Amazonian slaves. A pity; other matrons pay me so well for his brothers' services."

Now both Fry and Leela's eyes went wide. "You pimp your children?" Fry said, aghast. Leela wanted to kick her; saying the wrong thing could get you into deep trouble with the drow.

Yvonna Fendre simply laughed. "Only my sons; if you have handsome boys what else do you use them for? Not all matrons care to have a partner like my Kiljic here," and she stroked her companion's snow white hair. "Then even some who do still pay me for a night with one of my boys!"

Several tables down, at the one reserved for robot and stone golem slaves, Bend downed himself another glass of fungus-wine. "Y'know, this stuff ain't half bad. Shame it's not sold on Earth."

"Matron Fendre's been talking about expanding trade with other planets," one of the robot slaves sitting at the table said.

"Yeah," replied another robot, this one looking as if it were built to work in mines. "But the only way DOOP would lift the restrictions on tradin' with Lolth 5 would be if the drow all freed their slaves from DOOP home worlds, and agreed not to enslave anyone else from the DOOP that crashes on the planet. Guess how many matrons will agree to _that." _The way he rolled up his eyes showed how likely he thought that was to happen.

"And Matron Fendre ain't as bad as some of the other matrons here," replied another, this one a cleaner bot from a yacht that crashed twenty years ago. "This one, Matron B'anel, some robot spills wine on her and her guests at a feast; she has him melted down and made into jewelry!"

"Yeah," replied a stone golem. "And I dread the day when Lady Devina takes her mother's place. " He indicated a young drow maid who looked similar to Matron Fendre seated a few chairs down from Fry and Leela. "One day she was having some items moved from her room to a laboratory when the Amazonian acting as a porter trips over a stone and drops them all, and most of them break. She has her brother Gomorph pin the slave to the ground and rape her! In front of the other Amazonian slaves too, as a warning."

Bender focused his optic sensors on the enormous drow male. "He did that to an _Amazonian?"_ Amazonians were among the few biological species Bender knew to be typically stronger than he was, and Bender was built to bend steel girders. "All by himself?"

The other robot nodded. "Held her down with one hand while he had his way with her he did. Afterwards Matron Fendre gave them both a lecture; said a simple electric flogging should have been sufficient. Aye she's a hard one, but at least the Matron has limits to her cruelty."

Bender scanned over at Matron Fendre, Gomorph, and Devina, and at his friends seated with them. Had he been able to, he would have broken out in a cold sweat.

* * *

"How long until I can get out of this penguin suit, Dad?" Amy Wong asked as he and his parents sat down at one of the reception tables. He'd never worn a tuxedo before and he didn't care for it. Oh sure, plenty of women's dresses were uncomfortable too, but a least it was a familiar discomfort.

"Until this reception's over boy," Leo Wong replied. "Wong men always wear black tie at formal gatherings.

"I'm not a Wong 'man,' in case you've forgotten," Amy muttered back.

"I should say not!" retorted Inez. "I book you fifteen whores for one night at Queens's ritziest brothel. All of them young, beautiful, and fertile. And none of them got pregnant! At this rate I'll never get any grandchildren!" Now Inez glared at her male daughter. "And don't tell me you didn't enjoy it! I've got vid discs from the brothel security cameras and you were having the time of your life."

Amy said nothing, he _had _enjoyed that night. And his sexual encounters since. But that was about the only thing he'd enjoyed about being male. There was so little he could do with his hair, shopping wasn't nearly as much fun as it had been, and the way men dressed was so boring! Amy had dressed up in drag a couple of time and could successfully pass as a woman-but it just wasn't the same.

Amy glanced over at the table where the Professor, Zoidberg, Cubert and the Conrads were sitting; Inez and Leo reluctantly agreed to let Amy's co-workers come to the wedding with them. Dr. Cahill had declined saying he had extra business to do at the head museum.

_Strange, _Amy thought, _I hardly recognize them._ Oh even in a yellow dress and with a starfish in the side of her head Zoidberg still looked much the same. But the others-well at work the professor still wore her old familiar lab coat and turtleneck but here she wore a formal ladies dress, as did Hermes. LaBarbara was completely unrecognizable in a suit-well the tie at least was in the pattern of LaBarbara's usual pants. And Scruffy-Amy peered at the woman directing the caterers as they served food-no way would anyone who hadn't have known about their situation would believe she was the Planet Express janitor.

"Why hello Amos." Amy turned and saw Zelda Brannigan standing right at the Wong's table, with Kyella Kroker at her side. "Fancy meeting you here. And Inez; so good to see you here too. What brings you to this occasion?"

"Leo friends with the Mayor," Inez replied. "You?"

"Oh, the groom's mother and mine are old bridge club partners," Zelda giggled. "They even tried to set us up a few times, but well, it just wasn't meant to be." She looked at Amy again. "And what's Amos's relation to the two of you? From what I know, you have a daughter, not a son."

"Amos is my so-,"

"Bastard," Inez finished for her husband. "He Leo's bastard, with that little bimbo in Hong Kong twenty odd year ago. Right?" She glared at Amy and Leo, as if daring them to say otherwise.

"Oh. Well, I'd love to stay and chat some more, but I've got more people to see. Tah tah."

As Zelda wandered off, Amy sighed at his mother, his face getting hot. "'Bastard?'"

"Hey, it got her away, didn't it?" Inez smirked.

"Couldn't you think of something less embarrassing?" Leo fumed. "You know I never cheat on you."

"Of course not," Inez snorted. "You can barely get it up, let alone get enough energy to cheat."

Hoping to change the subject, Amy asked, "How come you know Zelda?"

"Oh. I meet her and a bunch of other society ladies every fourth Friday to play mahjong." Now Inez grinned. "She big, wide hipped girl; should be good for giving birth to los of grandchildren. What say I fix you up?"

Sighing Amy placed his face in his hands. Some things just never changed.

Out of earshot from the Wong table, Zelda nudged her Secretary. "Kyella?"

Kyella rolled her eyes. "Yes, oh love goddess?" Kyella sighed wearily.

Ignoring the sarcasm, Zelda said, "I want you to find out about the Wong fellow. Where he lives, where he works, and then arrange for him to come my place at 7:30 next Saturday."

* * *

The banquet lasted for several hours, degenerating into an orgy of debauchery and bondage that made Leela sit down and shake his head. He was no prude yet some of the things he'd seen would shock or outrage even the most libertine of Earthicans. The worst was when several drow female soldiers dragged behind them a chained, naked, and bruised Amazonian, striking her with energy whips. They kept flogging her as Gomorph walked from behind his mother's table, pinned the Amazonian to the stone floor, and had his way with her! Leela didn't know which sickened him more, the rape, the way the other guests-including the females and several non-drow-were cheering, or the bored disinterest on Matron Fendre's face.

Fry was appalled too. "You're just letting him do that!"

Yvonna Fendre simply shrugged. "It's not my taste; I prefer to discipline slaves in private." She then looked at her daughter sitting down from her. "Devina, this will be the last time I let you select the entertainment for a banquet."

"Oh mother, you're so dull," Devina pouted. "You're actually considering giving in the DOOP's demands in order to lift their trade restrictions."

"True, I'm not happy about that," replied Matron Fendre, "yet, it might be worth it not to have to go through months of paperwork and then searching for a delivery company that's willing or desperate enough to take us as clients. The greater revenue that would flow into our House's coffers would be more than enough to make up for the loss of our slaves."

"You always think about money," Devina said between her teeth.

"Someone has to," retorted her mother. "It's my regret that your sister Deidre is dead; she'd understand."

Mother and daughter continued talking to each other; from what Fry and Leela could make out Matron Fendre had four other daughters who had at one point or another tried to assassinate their mother-and paid for it with their lives. "You're the only daughter I have left, and I would much rather have our House continue through my own bloodline instead of my sisters'.

"Don't worry mother. You're about to get your wish."

"What do you me-," Matron Fendre stops in mid-sentence as her eyes cloud over and she falls face first into her plate.

"What a pity," says Devina as she stands up and snaps her fingers. From out of the shadows emerge several drow soldiers, and about eight Amazonians all carrying either electro-whips or blaster rifles. "Now that Yvonna Fendre is dead, I assume my birthright as the new Matron of House Fendre. Any of my aunts or cousins who want to challenge my claim, step forward." None of the drow who were seated at the table which was surrounded by the eight Amazonians moved. "Good."

Finally Gomorph spoke. "You-you poisoned mother."

"Aren't you the genius?" Devina spoke sarcastically. "Lucky for me that you're only a male and a freak besides, dear brother. Why don't you pick up Mother's body and take it down to made into compost for mushrooms?" Slowly, the enormous drow walked over to his mother's body, slung it over his shoulder, and walked out the courtyard. "Oh by the way Gomorph, make sure you strip her before she's processed. That gown she's wearing's expensive."

Finally the new Matron Devina glanced over at her mother's two guests. "Now what do I do with you?"

Fry held up the medallion around her neck. "We-we're under the protection of your House."

"True-of which I am now the head." Devina smiled evilly as three of the Amazonians moved over to the redhead and the Cyclops. Fry gulped as Devina walked up and looked down-she was more than a head taller than Fry and Leela. She reached out and Fry had to fight not flinch as she felt the drow's cool sharp-nailed hands on her face. "I could use a new maid," Devina said. "And you look like you'll do well enough." Turning her gaze at Leela, who was held in a firm grip on his arms by two Amazonians, she only snorted in distaste. "I suppose I owe you and the other Amazonians something for the aid you've given me," Devina snorted. "Very well, you may have the Cyclops for snu-snu."

End of Chapter Seven.

_Okay, how'd you like this chapter? And if I don't get any reviews I won't update._

_Yeah I know, they're all in a tight spot-yet Devina in her arrogance has overlooked the robot. Will Bender come through for his crewmates? And back on Earth, Zapp's sister Zelda makes plans for 'Amos' while an accident in the lab has unfortunate-or amusing-results for Dwight, Cubert, and and a couple of girls from Leela's old Orphanage. _


End file.
